It's All About Hugo This Father's Day

I can remember as if it were yesterday.  It was Halloween, 2009.  Hugo and I were dating, and he went Trick or Treating with us for the very first time.  Lee asked him to carry him up on his shoulders.  For a year, that was Lee's favorite seat.  Hugo laments that he wasn't a part of our family sooner, so that he could not only hold Lee longer, but he would have loved to have had the opportunity with the other kids, as well.

As I went through pictures, looking for shots I wanted to include in this Father's Day tribute to Hugo, I saw an abundance of pictures of him with Lee, and not one one-on-one picture of him with the other kids.  What the heck?!  We need to work on that, starting today.

Whether a photo was captured or not, one thing is clear.  Hugo Ambriz has taken this job as Dad with all of his heart, pouring himself into these kids with as much energy and tenacity as if he had been their natural father.  And none of these kids will suffer the fate of being raised with the disappointments of a non-present dad.

Oops!  I was wrong.  Here is a pic of Hugo and Adam together.  These two enjoy trips to the batting cages, jam sessions in the garage, and endless hours spent in the yard mowing, trimming, and sweating.  Well, maybe not so much, with that last one.  Their growing bond touches me.

This is one of my favorite pictures of both Hugo, and Lee.  I love their faces, and confidence, as they take command of the shark.

Hugo used to leave for work before Lee left for school.  He'd bow down on one knee, and give Lee a talk, encouraging Lee to be honest, fair, a hard worker, and a good friend.  Hugo started taking Lee to school, so the routine was altered a bit, and it was done at school, rather than on the front porch.  Toward the end of last year, the beloved BEST teacher in the school approached Hugo, and told him how much she enjoys watching him see Lee off because of his obvious love and commitment to his son.  It's funny, too, because I had noticed her smiling at me every afternoon with an extra twinkle in her eye.  She'd see me with Lee, and she made the connection.  We're all being watched, and when we get caught doing great things, it's freaking awesome.  Hugo was caught.

Hugo plays with Lee.  A lot.  He enters his imaginary world, and devotes hours of time to creating forever memories.  Here, he hasn't even gotten out of his work clothes yet.

There are pictures of the older kids at events where Hugo was very present, but not pictured.  Like, at the high school orientation one Saturday at Abi's future high school.  It was just Hugo, Abi, and me and it was a special time to learn about her future options.

Tessa is cheering on Hugo's inner rock star at a festival in Azusa.  This picture is a treat.  She does not like getting it taken.  She is so beautiful.

Danielle is cheering him on, too.  This child, also beautiful, does like getting her picture taken.

He is cool, just as the sign says.  So very cool.  And such a gift to these kids.  Not only filling in the blanks, but writing over written wrongs that left each of them wounded and insecure.  He is the man of my dreams, and the father I prayed for, for each of the five kids he loves and holds.

Remember when I said that I need to start taking pictures of him with the older kids, and I said that I need to begin starting today?  Well, I did.  Four of the kids are with their natural dad this weekend, so we will celebrate Hugo together with them next weekend.  But, Danielle will be in Italy then, so today, Hugo had Father's Day #1 with Danielle.  We started the day by bringing Donut Man to him in bed.

I said, "Donut Man," not the donut man.

We wanted to take him to Pozzeto's, our favorite Italian restaurant, after church.  But, Hugo wasn't in the mood.  He wanted Carl's Jr., instead.  I know.  I tried.  I even suggested his favorite deli in the Glendora Village.  Anything but Carl's.  Not that there's anything wrong with them, at all.  I love them.  But Carl's?  On Father's Day?  Since it's his day we went with what he wanted.  A hamburger eaten at a park.  So, while we were there, I carried out my plan of getting a one-on-one with a child.  The child available today.  Danielle.  Yes, the one who likes to get her picture taken, so it was easy.

Happy Father's Day, Mr. Ambriz.  The man of my dreams.

Day #6: The Concept of Good Things Coming From Something Bad

Danielle and I were talking this last week about something we both think of often.  About how, as bad as her childhood was, if it was functional, and hopeful, and safe, she would still be with her parents of origin.  We also discussed that had my ex-husband not had the affair, the other kids and I would still be back in Nebraska living a completely different life than the one we now live.

If she hadn't suffered terribly seeing her parents' decay through alcohol and drug abuse, and if the other kids and I hadn't suffered the pain of seeing that our husband and father had betrayed us, it's obvious that we wouldn't be here together, with Hugo.  And all the balance and right he adds to the mix.

It kind of messes with my mind sometimes, when I lament the sorrow of what the kids and I have endured.  But, I can't stay in that bad place for long, because that line of thinking inevitably takes me to where I am now.  To where we are now.  And I know that the sorrow of our past brought us to the life we now live and cherish.

Just like I can't wish I'd never married my ex-husband.  If I never married him, we wouldn't have Tessa, Adam, Abi, and Lee.  If I never married him, I wouldn't have Nebraska.  It was, after all, his job transfer that took us there in the first place.  Could I even imagine life without these children?  Without Nebraska?

If I say I wish the affair had never happened, then the kids and I would have still been in a system that was unhealthy and so very dysfunctional.  It's for this reason that I can say that I hold zero bitterness toward my ex-husband's act of betrayal, for it took something just that powerful to open my eyes to what was going on in our family, aside from his infidelity.

Can I be thankful for the affair?  I think I am.

What Danielle endured throughout her childhood is only just really starting to emerge as she matures and feels more and more safe in her new home with us.  She's allowing herself to face the demons of her parents' past--demons they allowed her to be tormented by.  But, at the same time she is looking at her parents with love and acceptance, and an understanding of the havoc their addictions brought to their lives.  Hers included.

And she does this in her room.  The safe room in her safe house, with her safe family ready to listen to her whenever she is ready to share.  A family that wouldn't be here for her if some of us were still in Nebraska. 

I do believe that the Perfect Plan was for each of our families to be healthy, void of secret sins, and blatant in your face neglect and abuse.  But Perfect Plans sometimes crumble in our imperfect world.  And when the plan ends up being less than perfect, it is good to know that God has our back.  And a Plan B.

As good as our collective Plan B is, sometimes I wish that this had been our Plan A in the first place.  That's the whole messing with my mind thing again, hard at work.  But instead, I choose to simply be thankful for who we are, and where we are today.  Because since the paths that brought us together were rocky, we can really appreciate just how good it is now.

And it is so very good.  I am so thankful.  So thankful for so much good being brought from so many somethings that were bad.

More Than a Step-Dad...A Papi

This morning, as Hugo was walking down the hall on his way to the door, I told Lee, "Papi has to go back to work today."  He shot right back at me, "But it's supposed to be Summer Vacation!"  I said, "I know, but Papi still has to go back to work."  There was a quiet pause.  "I just don't get it," was his dejected reply as he looked down, shaking his head.  We kissed him good-bye, Hugo gave Lee the  morning speech he gives him every day as he leaves (about being a good boy, and making good decisions), and as Lee and I stood at the entrance way, we waved as Hugo drove off.

Back to reality.  It was a fabulous break for Hugo, to get away from having to wake up to an alarm, and then spend long hours at the office.  He had days at home to get things done, as anyone who knows Hugo Ambriz can visualize...he's not one to sit on the sofa channel-surfing.  He's a project man, making the most of his day.

So getting away for six of them was a good call, I'd have to say.  It was so good to put the stresses of home and family on the back burner, and just rest the brain and body.

This family-stress thing is new to the Papi of our House.  He has taken it all in stride, adjusting more completely to his sudden-family than even my greatest dreams could have hoped.  In his pre-family life, he would have a quiet apartment that was neat and clean when he'd leave for work in the morning--and then when he would return home at the end of the day, it would still be quiet, neat, and clean.  Now that he has a family, he has a house that is...lived in.  Always.  And with seven people living here, it isn't quiet.  Ever.

I'm thinking that it helped that he came from a family of seven children.  There was some serious ground-work laid that made the transition more easy, I'm sure.  And they did it with one bathroom.  (Elaine Ambriz is my hero!  She had five girls--and they never left the house without their hair done!!)

I'm a psycho-analyzer by nature.  I'll delve into the deep parts of your psyche so fast, it'll make your head spin.  So, knowing that the transition could be challenging for Hugo, I have checked in on him frequently, feeling him out for hidden stresses to the multiple levels of family rearing that have become common for him.  I've even honed-in on the specific probability of resentment he could feel over working as hard as he does, and seeing his paycheck get sucked away in the vortex of family need.

His response?  Every time I delve?  That even though he had the money at his disposal pre-family to do that which he chose...oh, you know...things like clothes (he has more than me), shoes (he has more than me), travel all over the U.S. to watch cars race around in a circle, music equipment, sound equipment, European travel, generous gifts to his family and friends, picking up the check on office lunches...?  His response, every time, is that even though he had all of those things, he lacked what he wanted more than anything else in the world.  A family.

He sees that with his family, he has purpose.  He is making an impact on the lives of five children that is beyond anything anyone else could give each of them.  He has a unique role...a role with a lasting legacy.  He is their step-father, yes.  But he is far more than the man who loves and married the mother of these children.  He is their Papi.  The man who is on the job.  The man who is doing and living out what dads do.  The man who gets dirty.  The man in the trenches.

This is a topic I think about, and talk about, and write about often.  This topic of Hugo, and his selfless contribution to our lives.  I am in awe.

So yes.  It sucks that he had to put on a tie, and with packed lunch in hand (ummm...yes...the office lunches aren't as frequent these days), walk the path to his car, and join the rush hour traffic.

Maybe, as a thank you, I can provide him with a quiet, neat and clean house to come home to.  Dinner on table.  Stella chilled.  I can try.  I will try.  Sigh.  But it's not likely.  But, he will be greeted at the door, Labrador included, to the hugs and kisses of a family excited to see him.  And I will get the joy of the voyeuristic...sneaking a peek at a man who smiles in return.  With his face, and with his spirit.

Danielle's Story

There are so many of my friends from my previous lives who know very well that I gave birth to Tessa--now 19, Adam--who will be 17 in August, Abi--my 13 year-old, and Lee--the 6 year-old.

I have an announcement to make:  It's a Girl!!!  I had another child after coming back to California 5 summers ago.  And she's a beautiful brown-haired, brown-eyed...19 year-old.

Her name is Danielle.

When we came back to California, we arrived just days before school was to start.  Tessa entered the 9th grade and went to Chino High.  She knew nobody, had recently moved from rural Nebraska to Southern California, she had been home schooled most of her life, and was joining a campus whose student body size was close to the population of her Nebraska town.  It was a little intimidating.

Tessa met Danielle, a quiet girl who seemed to have no close connections with any school friends either.  They naturally attached themselves to each other--Tessa's first friend.  I was elated.

Their friendship progressed and Danielle eventually came to our house to hang out, or even sleep over.  She was immediately loved by our entire family, and even by my parents and sisters.

As her level of comfort with us increased, and her time spent with us became more frequent, she started sharing a little bit about her life.  First, that she lived in a house with her mother's brother and sister (neither married), and that her parents lived in an apartment built into the garage behind the house.  She didn't have to dramatically reveal that her father had a drinking problem, as he was frequently drunk when I'd stop by to pick her up or drop her back off at home.

Her mother had had mental breakdowns so severely that Danielle was sent away during junior high to live with friends of their family.  While living there, she endured verbal and emotional abuse, and never felt included as a member of that family, but rather as an intrusion due to the disappointing behavior of her parents in the eyes of these friends.  Timid and lonely, Danielle moved back home in the summer before high school.

She was again subjected to a home environment saturated in alcohol and drug abuse, with extreme tension between her uncle and father.  Fights would ensue, resulting in visits from the police.  After one such episode, Danielle called me to go and pick her up.  It wasn't long after that that her parents agreed to have her come and live with me.  As wildly dysfunctional as they are, they both knew that theirs wasn't an environment that was safe for Danielle.

That was 2 years ago.

Danielle's birth parents have taken big steps back, away from involvement in Danielle's life.  Last summer she asked Hugo and me to be her parents.

Not only have Hugo and I pledged our hearts to her, to raise her and be her parents for life, but both of our families have joined in on the love, just as aggressively.  My mom, sisters, and I gave her her first-ever birthday party when she turned 17, and we all go out of our way to offer her experiences every little girl should have, that she sadly missed out on.  There have been s'mores while camping, and long card games at the table on weekends in Big Bear.  We're trying to teach her how to ride a bike...:)

Since I've married Hugo, the Ambriz' have joined in on the fun, with sleepovers, shopping trips, Thursday dinners to die for, an ELABORATE Halloween costume last year, and even a day spent horseback riding.

But, mostly we're giving her spirit an opportunity to heal.  We're letting her share about painful childhood memories as we cry with her, and we are facilitating the building of a beautiful future for her, as we live out our future together.

She is a student at Citrus College, and she is thriving.  Today she went to LA to a museum with 2 friends from school.  She is learning how to live life as a functional girl with a family that is committed to her, and will do all that we can to see her succeed.

I think she looks like my mom's side of the family, and she has curls like Tessa.  She looks like a typical Irish/Portuguese girl raised by a white mom and Mexican dad.  :)

She's a typical California girl.