Danielle in Italy...Pictures!!!

 Danielle is coming home from Italy tomorrow!

As excited as we all are to have her home, I can't help but feel a little sad for her.  The trip she dreamed of has come to a close, and local merchants she has grown to love won't be coming home with her.  Neither will the late night gelato runs.  Thankfully, we do live in a state of cultural diversity, and she will have ample opportunity to scout out local alternatives.

We are so proud of her.  She definitely took a giant leap outside herself, and way outside her inhibitions, and that alone will leave her a changed woman.

Her Professor of Art, Michael Hillman, has graciously offered pictures he took this week when they were in Pisa, and Cinque Terre.  Danielle told me that this day was amongst her favorites.  Since a picture speaks a thousand words, I'll let them do the talking.

Obligatory Tower of Pisa Shot

Mr. Hillman at Riggamaggore, Italy, CinqueTerra

Danielle's Going to Italy and I'm a Freaking Out, Slobbering Mess

So, I have a child heading to Italy in less than two weeks.  Did you just hear that?!  Yes, it was exactly what you thought it was.  It was the sound of me stifling a shriek, trying to keep a lid on my panic attack.

When she came to us and announced that this was what she wanted to do with her summer, we were thrilled.  Supportive.  Enthusiastic.  So happy that she is making travel a priority, knowing that this will just be the first of many adventures for her.  What an opportunity!  She'll learn so much!  But, that was so last winter.  Funny, how that works.  How fantasies sometimes end up being full fledged realities.  Holy cow.  Now what?

She's had her Passport for months, has been through her orientation, all of her paperwork is submitted, and she's paid in full.  Yesterday she got her e-ticket receipts.  And there's that sound again.

Part of being a mom is being a card carrying worrier, and I will exercise my right to freak out, as long as I have a pulse to beat into a frenzy.  Yes, I know...be anxious for nothing.  And I really do believe it.  When I turn that worry over to God in prayer, I do get that peace that surpasses all understanding.  But, I have to be real, and I have to say that part of the peace I get is in knowing that God is there holding my hand through my inability to completely let go of my fear.  He makes Himself available to me so that I can keep going to Him, and He gets it that I struggle.  He doesn't turn me away for failing.  It's one of those I can't believe, so help me to be able to believe moments.  But, in my case, it's more like, I can't not worry my head off, so please help me to not worry my head off.

This will be Danielle's first time on an airplane, ever.  Her first time out of the country.  Her first time out of the state of California.

So, I breathe.  I ask for help.  God, help me.  And I train my thoughts on other things.  Things like:

1. She is going to learn so much.
2. Her vision for her future will expand so much.
3. She is going to fall in love with the people of Italy.
4. She will gain so much confidence.
5. She will learn to set aside fear, and pursue life.
6. She will come home, triumphant in her accomplishment.

Note, I didn't say she will come home safely.  I can't guarantee that.  But, I can't guarantee that if she stays home she'll be safe, now can I?  Things happen, no matter where we are.

But, the way I see it, God put Italy on the globe for a reason, and it's up for grabs.  Why not?!  Why not go for it, Little Girl?

With my fear stuffed away in a case, and my booty holding the lid down, I can confidently say that I am HAPPY BEYOND BELIEF that she is going.  That I am SOOOO VERY EXCITED for her.  That I am SO PROUD that she threw aside her own fears and insecurities, and allowed herself to dream.  And mostly, that her dream really has turned into a reality.  And that she has done it, pushing herself the whole way.

I can't wait to see the Danielle we get back after her adventures.  No, really, I seriously can't wait.  Some fear just oozed out of the case I had it stuffed in.  And for me, I can't wait to see the Mom Danielle gets when she returns from her adventures.  Hopefully, one who has grown, who has really allowed God's help when I've asked, and one who does a better job at keeping the lid down when I'm weak.

She's going.  Look at that face.  How could I ever allow my fear to get in the way of all of that excitement, all of that hope, all of that accomplishment?  I can't.  So, as a mom, I'm also a card carrying supporter, and I will exercise my right to support my child as long as I have a pulse to beat into a mama-love frenzy.  You're going to Italy, Dani-Girl!  Ciao!

Danielle's Story

There are so many of my friends from my previous lives who know very well that I gave birth to Tessa--now 19, Adam--who will be 17 in August, Abi--my 13 year-old, and Lee--the 6 year-old.

I have an announcement to make:  It's a Girl!!!  I had another child after coming back to California 5 summers ago.  And she's a beautiful brown-haired, brown-eyed...19 year-old.

Her name is Danielle.

When we came back to California, we arrived just days before school was to start.  Tessa entered the 9th grade and went to Chino High.  She knew nobody, had recently moved from rural Nebraska to Southern California, she had been home schooled most of her life, and was joining a campus whose student body size was close to the population of her Nebraska town.  It was a little intimidating.

Tessa met Danielle, a quiet girl who seemed to have no close connections with any school friends either.  They naturally attached themselves to each other--Tessa's first friend.  I was elated.

Their friendship progressed and Danielle eventually came to our house to hang out, or even sleep over.  She was immediately loved by our entire family, and even by my parents and sisters.

As her level of comfort with us increased, and her time spent with us became more frequent, she started sharing a little bit about her life.  First, that she lived in a house with her mother's brother and sister (neither married), and that her parents lived in an apartment built into the garage behind the house.  She didn't have to dramatically reveal that her father had a drinking problem, as he was frequently drunk when I'd stop by to pick her up or drop her back off at home.

Her mother had had mental breakdowns so severely that Danielle was sent away during junior high to live with friends of their family.  While living there, she endured verbal and emotional abuse, and never felt included as a member of that family, but rather as an intrusion due to the disappointing behavior of her parents in the eyes of these friends.  Timid and lonely, Danielle moved back home in the summer before high school.

She was again subjected to a home environment saturated in alcohol and drug abuse, with extreme tension between her uncle and father.  Fights would ensue, resulting in visits from the police.  After one such episode, Danielle called me to go and pick her up.  It wasn't long after that that her parents agreed to have her come and live with me.  As wildly dysfunctional as they are, they both knew that theirs wasn't an environment that was safe for Danielle.

That was 2 years ago.

Danielle's birth parents have taken big steps back, away from involvement in Danielle's life.  Last summer she asked Hugo and me to be her parents.

Not only have Hugo and I pledged our hearts to her, to raise her and be her parents for life, but both of our families have joined in on the love, just as aggressively.  My mom, sisters, and I gave her her first-ever birthday party when she turned 17, and we all go out of our way to offer her experiences every little girl should have, that she sadly missed out on.  There have been s'mores while camping, and long card games at the table on weekends in Big Bear.  We're trying to teach her how to ride a bike...:)

Since I've married Hugo, the Ambriz' have joined in on the fun, with sleepovers, shopping trips, Thursday dinners to die for, an ELABORATE Halloween costume last year, and even a day spent horseback riding.

But, mostly we're giving her spirit an opportunity to heal.  We're letting her share about painful childhood memories as we cry with her, and we are facilitating the building of a beautiful future for her, as we live out our future together.

She is a student at Citrus College, and she is thriving.  Today she went to LA to a museum with 2 friends from school.  She is learning how to live life as a functional girl with a family that is committed to her, and will do all that we can to see her succeed.

I think she looks like my mom's side of the family, and she has curls like Tessa.  She looks like a typical Irish/Portuguese girl raised by a white mom and Mexican dad.  :)

She's a typical California girl.