Mike Runner is my Sunday Guest Contributor, and he brings a perspective to Wings Like Eagles that is unique and challenging.
I normally cover topics relating to the horror of having someone else bring darkness into the home. Mike covers the same topics, but from a completely different angle. He was the one who brought darkness to his family. Mike is an alcoholic.
It is my hope that the perception of what we think we know about Family Crisis is shaken up a bit. Because there is far more involved than we think. Much can be understood by examining the other side, and I deeply appreciate Mike's willingness to help us gain understanding as he shares with us the mind as it is affected by alcoholism.
He isn't just an alcoholic. He is an intelligent mind, has a bright, hopeful future, and he is my friend. And this is his story.
An alcoholic walks through the front door of a bar and says to the
bartender, “Gimme a drink!” The
bartender looks at the man and says, “Sir, you are already drunk so I cannot
serve you.”
The alcoholic grumbles and walks out the door.
Five minutes later, the alcoholic walks back in through the side door of the bar and says, “Bartender, gimme a drink!” The bartender says, “I have already told you, you are drunk and I cannot serve you.”
Ten minutes later, the alcoholic walks in the back door and says, “Bartender, gimme a drink!” The bartender, clearly annoyed, says, “Listen, I have told you twice that you are drunk and that I cannot serve you. If you don’t leave I am going to call the cops!”
Utterly dumbfounded, the alcoholic takes a step back, looks at the bartender and says, “Geez, how many bars do you work at anyway?”
I will finish On Assignment next week.
My apologies as I know some of you were looking forward to Cell Block 14
today.
When certain things come up in my
life that relate to alcoholism, I like to share them at the time while the
emotion is strong. In recovery, we talk
about dealing with the wreckage of our past quite a bit. When we get sober, it doesn’t mean situations
go away. It has taken a long time to
destroy the trust of loved ones, create deep financial and legal problems,
etc.
It may take years to fix things to the best of our ability, but we accept our responsibility and face our consequences. There are also normal life issues that still remain as well. I wish that I could tell you in recovery that there is a single “poof” moment where all of the past and present problems just go away. I can’t. There isn’t. What I can say is that as time goes on we become more and more equipped to take these challenges head on and with less fear.
I wanted to write about one such wreckage issue this week that I
needed to face. By day, I am a
commercial insurance broker and I am licensed through the State of
California. Every two years I have to
show the Department of Insurance that I have taken a certain amount courses and
fill out a renewal application online. I
did the online application two days ago.
I could almost hear a siren going off at the CA Department of Insurance
when I answered Yes to the question, “Have you been convicted of any crime
since your license last renewed?” Though
the system took my money for my renewal, it then told me everything was pending
based on their decision after they reviewed my situation.
I have been doing what I do for 20 years. Unfortunately, I have had issues with California on
these things before as this was not my first time getting into legal
trouble. Right now I am feeling anxious,
fearful, and have a case of the “what if’s”.
What ifs are bad for me because they are always negative. What if I lose my license, can’t get another
job, can’t support my family, etc. I
used to live in what ifs and I try to catch myself when I do it because the
answers to my what if questions are always lousy. Normally I would be drinking at a time like
this to make the emotions go away. Now I
am able to not only face the situation, but face myself and how I am
feeling. After putting it off for a day,
I wrote my letter to the Department of Insurance. I needed to think and pray about it for a day
as my career is in their hands. This is
what I wrote them:
Dear California Department of Insurance,
Per our conversation, I am writing to explain my “yes” answer to the
online renewal question regarding crimes committed since my last license
renewal. The renewal has been paid.
On April 16, 2011, I was arrested for driving under the influence of
alcohol. Please note that I was in a
restaurant parking lot on a Saturday evening.
I was fortunate that the police stopped me before I was able to drive
anywhere.
After being tied up in the
court system for many months, I pleaded guilty and was convicted of misdemeanor
DUI on 6/20/2012.
I lost my driver’s license on November 25, 2011 and will be unable to
drive for some time. I have not driven
at all in the past nine months and my cousin takes me to and from work and to
appointments which has been a seamless transition. I spent seven days in county jail as part of
my punishment. Beginning next Monday,
August 8, 2012, I will start a house arrest program for six months. In my case, house arrest consists of having
to be in my house from 7:00 at night until 7:00 in the morning on weekdays and I have
some free time on weekends as well. I am
fully able to go to work during the day and have no restrictions in doing so
and it will create no problems.
I pleaded guilty for a reason.
I was guilty. As my record shows,
there is no doubt that I have struggled with drinking off and on for the past
ten years. I have had times of recovery
but I have never worked a strong program and always relapsed. In many ways, though it has been a difficult
process, I am glad that the incident happened.
That was almost 1 ½ years ago and that night I finally came to terms
with the fact that I suffer from the disease of alcoholism. It takes what it takes as we say. I am an alcoholic and I cannot even take one
drink, period. It took that night for me
to finally accept my condition once and for all. I gave up fighting it. Through Alcoholics Anonymous, a very good
outpatient program, and a highly trained psychiatrist who specializes in addiction,
this last year and a half has been wonderful.
I am myself again for the first time in many years. My relationship with my three kids (16,11
& 8) has gone from fine to phenomenal and I would not trade that for
anything in the world. I am grateful.
I also have fairly severe Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, Generalized
Anxiety Disorder, and Bipolar disorder which are now being properly treated
through medication. I have learned in
treatment that brain issues and alcoholism/addiction often go together. In my case, the alcohol would shut down the
racing and obsessive thoughts in my head.
It was the only thing I knew that would work. Through both medication, a lot of prayer, talking
with others, and using techniques that I have learned through therapy and AA, I
am in complete control of my mind once again.
It is amazing.
End.
I have a few more paragraphs at the end of the letter that mainly have
to do with my job history. I go into having
no customer complaints in 20 years, my designations, and other things specific
to commercial insurance. I did not
include these paragraphs because I have no desire to lose my entire audience
forever.
So now I am doing my least favorite thing in the world. I am waiting.
It could take a week for them to get back to me or it could take a
month. I want an answer and I want it right
now! What I want and what is actually
going to happen are two different things and I can choose to either accept that
or I can drive myself crazy like I used to.
I wanted to share with you that I am freaked out, a little scared, and I
am having a hard time in getting certain negative “what ifs” out of my
mind. I am continuously telling myself to slow down, pray, and realize that
there is nothing more that I can do today.
The possibility of losing my license is my last unknown hurdle
regarding the wreckage of 4/16/2011 and it is a big one. If this were going on in times past, I would
most likely be drinking nightly and all day on the weekends to get the thoughts
and fear out of my head until I had an answer.
I might be taking off work… calling in sick… on some days so that I
could be in an empty house all day with my bottle of 100 proof vodka. It seemed like the only way to get through
things without going crazy. I don’t need
to do that anymore. I have other
options. At least for today, nothing I
am going through is worth drinking over.
Next week: Back to jail. Unless any other things come up.
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