The Death of Mitchal Sata and What His Loss Means to Our Kids

The San Gabriel Valley Tribune article is here.

The San Gabriel Valley Tribune Photo Gallery is here.

SGVN/photo by Daniel Tedford

The kids in our community lost a classmate and friend last week.

Mitchal Sata went to school with my daughter, and they had P.E. together.  A friend called Abi last  Thursday morning and told her that Mitch had been hit by a Metrolink Train the day before.

News spread quickly.  Texts, Facebook posts, and Instagram collages of Mitch have circulated with an agility commonplace to our social media savvy teens.

They are suffering a loss they can't understand.  Mitch was one of the boys in town enjoying the summer, hanging out with his friends.  Full of life.  And then just like that, he was gone.

We try and prepare our kids for the inevitability of death, because we know that death will present itself to them one day.  But, we can't fully prepare them beforehand.  It has to be learned from experience.  We can't teach them ahead of time about what it will feel like to be in shock, or have that feeling you get when you wake up in the morning and suddenly remember, or about how the stages of grief will play out for them.  And even if we could, it seems that the loss of someone so young changes the game anyway, because of the intensity of emotion, and lack of any of it making sense.

When I was in high school, I too had a friend who was hit and killed by a train.  We found out at school, toward the end of the day.  I remember hearing the news and sobbing with friends immediately, and I don't think anyone had a tear-free day for weeks.

My friend Wendy Shively Farnum and I have been reminiscing about this tragic event in our lives, something neither of us could ever forget.  We are childhood friends, and were both close friends with the boy who died.  We have been remembering our loss all those years ago, as Mitch's death has had so many parallels.

We remembered how our late friend's mother opened up her home to her deceased son's friends in the days and weeks following his death, so that we could gain emotional support and closure by grieving  together.  When his pre-ordered yearbook came in, his mother passed it around to all of us, so that we could sign it, and say our final good-byes.  We remember the strangeness of no longer having him to talk to, or see around town.  There was an emptiness, and a forever sense of loss.  

Wendy had experienced this sort of loss 3 years before, but with a deeper impact, when her sister was killed in an auto accident.  She remembers pulling from the strength she gained from losing her sister, when our mutual friend died.  She was able to be a little bit more developed and processed than the rest of us, because she had experienced and processed death already.  

As a result of these close losses, and others since, she has found herself with more of a philosophical position when she is faced with loss.  "Dealing with death does build character.  Some people don't have to (deal with it) until they're in their 30's or 40's.  They attend their first funeral when a grandparent passes."  She went on to say that when kids experience a death, they process and use that information, and they gain an understanding about life that they could not have otherwise gained, had they lived their childhood sheltered from it.  She summed up, "Death is a natural part of life."

Michelle Zapata, knows this natural part of life, as well.  When she was 16, her 13 year-old brother Paul was also tragically killed in a car accident.

Taking her story in a different direction, I asked her about the public response when news traveled about her brother's passing.  Did the community band together for her family?

Michelle responded, "Yes, a lot of people, without our knowing, started raising funds for our family.  They took donations, and even did a car wash.  The Elks Lodge contributed.  We didn't have life insurance for Paul, and no money for his funeral.  It was hard, because my parents lost a child, plus they had to worry about the cost.  But, the community got involved, and the donations covered everything.  So, my parents were really appreciative."

I then asked her about the sustained response from the community.  Whether friends supported their grieving process as the months and even years went on.  She remembered, "It was hard, because some people said, 'Move on.  He's in a better place,'  but, that didn't help.  We had lost someone in our family.  We wanted him back.  We had to take time getting over it.  Sometimes people don't understand.  But, I don't think anyone ever gets over it.  Even to this day, something will trigger a memory."

Michelle's daughter is friends with my Abi, and she also went to school with Mitch.  Michelle and I are making ourselves available to comfort our daughters.  And like Wendy, both Michelle and I do it by drawing from our own experiences with loss.  One day, our daughters will do the same, when they are left to comfort someone through the pain of losing someone dear.  They will be able to draw from their own experience.

You don't really ever get over the loss of a family member, or loved one.  You just learn how to live in a world without them.  But, you always imagine them there.  Wondering how their life would have played out, especially when their end comes at a young age.

Those of us who parent Mitch's classmates have a tough job ahead.  We need to look for behaviors in our kids that indicate stress, or that they are having difficulty working through their grief.

Dr. Anne Swanson-Leadbetter has been a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist for twenty-seven years, is a core faculty of Counseling Psychology at Argosy University, and is currently teaching a class on grief counseling.  She also happens to be a friend of mine.  I asked her about what we as parents can expect to see in our kids as they grieve Mitch's loss.

Anne shared, "The loss of a child is one of the most devastating experiences for parents, families and communities to process.  Grief in children and adolescents is distinct from adult bereavement due to differences in coping skills, emotional and mental development and children's need for care-taking from adults.  Reactions can be mild to severe and resurface as a child reaches new or later developmental stages and ages."

She quoted Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, "Grief and loss is a learned process that is challenging for human beings, especially the type of pain that results from a sudden loss or an 'un-timely' death and especially when the loss is a child.  Expected or 'normal grief' may last up to a year or more with various stages of denial, anger, bargaining, depression and gradual acceptance."

Anne offered several resources that might be of assistance:  www.webhealing.com  www.stephenministries.org  www.resourcesforgrief.com  www.helpguide.org

SGVN/photo by Daniel Tedford

We support Abi's decision as to whether or not she chooses to attend the funeral.  It will be her call, entirely.  She will be free to discuss it as often as she needs, and we will encourage her to talk about it with her friends.  We really believe there is a great deal of healing that takes place for these kids as they process through this together.

Our kids today have Facebook.  This is a great tool.  It keeps them talking.  Whatever it takes for them to be able to get their feelings out, and say their good-byes.

I would like to thank the San Gabriel Valley Tribune, and Daniel Tedford for granting permission for the use of their photos.

Wendy, Michelle, and Anne...thank you all for your contribution to this post with your wisdom, memories, and insight.  And for your friendship.

We will be praying for Mitch's family, closest friends, and even casual school mates, as they work through the loss of one of their own.