Helping our Kids Through the Stress of the Colorado Massacre

The massacre in Colorado has our entire nation in a state of mourning, as we shake our collective heads over the senselessness of this tragedy.  So many destroyed lives.  So much loss.  So much sorrow.  It makes no sense, and many of us feel ourselves leaving our original state of shock, and entering the stages of grief.  Me?  I'm in the anger stage at this particular moment.


Undoubtedly, we will be hearing reports of James Holmes' life, and whatever it was that happened to him in his development or young adulthood that would cause him to snap, and so methodically plan and carry out such a heinous crime.


Ironically, many of the resources Marriage and Family Therapist Dr. Anne Swanson-Leadbetter offered for my Mitchal Sata article are relevant in this tragedy as well.  Of the wealth of information she shared, I was only able to use a little in that post, because I had to edit it for length.  I had asked her for information pertaining to the grieving process for children, since the kids in our community had lost a friend.  I knew that I'd one day revisit the remaining information and share it.  I just never dreamed I would be compelled to share it for a reason such as this.


I will do everything I can to protect Lee from the news.  In my opinion, young children should be protected from knowing what happened in Colorado, but sometimes they catch a news report by accident, and they end up hearing and viewing images that stress them.


This is part of what Anne shared, as we think about the stress our kids might be feeling as they process the actions of that man:


Developmental Reactions to Grief in Children and Adolescents: (Pomeroy and Garcia, 2009)

Birth to 2 years old- sensitive to stress, attachment issues and loss of security/abandonment. A child may demonstrate excessive crying, writhing, rocking, biting, and other anxiety-related behaviors.

2 to 5 years old- -regressive behaviors like bed wetting or excessive clinging or acting as if nothing happened. Play can be used to express feelings. (Playing funeral is normal)

6 to 9 years old-able to understand biology of death and grasp the finality. Fears associated with their own death and/or the death of a parent are common. Symptoms of insecurity expressed in reluctance to separate from caregivers are common. Also the extreme poles of hyperactive, aggressive and disruptive behavior, or the other end of the spectrum, withdrawn, sad or forlorn are common. A child in this age may also exhibit troubles with sleep and nightmares.

9 to 12 years old-Preadolescent-developmental need to blend in with peer group/huge hormonal changes beginning. Children at this age understand that death is final and it happens to everyone. Vulnerability and fears may show up as excessive focus on the primary caregiver dying, a pervasive sense of self-consciousness amplified by the loss of a loved one.

13 to 19 years old-Adolescents- this is a very self-centered stage of development; adolescents may blame themselves for the death or feel overwhelmed by their inability to prevent death. At this stage there is a need to feel strong and in control of emotions to be indistinguishable from their friends/peer group so they may resist negative feelings. They may resist feelings by becoming more easily distracted, experience sleeping and eating disturbances, school over or under focus, and expressing strong emotional extremes. The emotions of grief may be masked by high risk-taking behaviors such as reckless driving, alcohol and drug use, sexual promiscuity, and defiance of authority. (Fleming & Balmer, 1996).

Anne also offered some very good resources and suggestions of what we can do with and for our kids, should we see them needing help or comfort as they process of their feelings:

Strengths Based Approach:  I HAVE  I AM  I CAN- Resiliency training -Focus on what a child/adolescent can do in the arena of interpersonal and problem solving skills! (Grotberg 1997)

Suggestions for Normal Grief: Grief groups (church or community), Professional therapy: Family or individual, , School based counseling, web support. 

Suggestions for Complicated Grief: Professional Group therapy or individual counseling, possible medications for depression or anxiety.

Activities to Process Grief:
Magic carpet of feelings-blanket in middle of floor, person who wants to process will choose to sit on blanket and travel to “imaginary land of feelings." (Planet of the Angry, Land of the Lonely, Gulf of Guilty, etc.)

Memory boxes-shoe boxes decorated in honor of their loved ones. Discussion about each box with pictures and mementos of their loved ones.

Play therapy-Sand tray, figures, houses, Puppets-to express feelings.
Decorated candles in memory of love one.

Family memorial service-with balloons/notes to the loved one-release balloons.

Events like this make me want to hug on my family  that much more tightly.  This is a very good time for that.  We need to take the day, every day, make the most of it, and live in appreciation for the things we have.  Because we have not been given a guarantee for a tomorrow.