Writers. Ugh.

It's tough being a writer.  Putting yourself out there, to a wide audience, with your thoughts and feelings off your sleeve, and on a page.  It can be the most nerve-wracking thing, because try as some of us might, we writers just can't control the negativity that comes our way, when someone doesn't like what we've written.  Read any YouTube comments lately?  Or the ones following a Yahoo! article?  But, at the same time, when you're a writer, you can't help but hope that you really are putting yourself out there to a wide audience, wanting your thoughts and feelings to be read far and wide, believing in the best, and then FREAKING OUT once it's out there, and can't be brought back.

Oh, and it isn't just the negative feedback from the reader that gets us going.  I have felt a lot of anxiety in my day, and if I were to categorize the different things that have caused the most anxiety, I'd have to be honest and admit that toward the top of that list, I would find that it's that period of time from which I've submitted something to a publisher, while awaiting their response.  Or, more honestly, while awaiting their undying approval for the masterpiece of words I cranked out, giving me an A-plus, plus, plus, plus, plus...as they dance around, celebrating my accomplishment.  Hey, I'm being honest, here.

For quite a while now, I've been writing fictional children's stories for an e-book start-up.  My publisher there has guided me, taught me much, and I'm very happy to say that I've written a series of three separate stories.  I can't say any more, as I've signed an NDA, and the site hasn't launched yet.  But, it is something I'm excited about, as it fulfills something I've always wanted to do.  And I like saying I can't talk about it.  Because of the NDA.  The one that I signed.  :)

Currently, I'm writing reviews, mostly for theatre, for Life in L.A.  It's lots, and lots of fun, and a great experience for me to learn the discipline of deadlines, cranking out my review within 24-48 hours of seeing the play, and staying within the word count parameters...which is a tremendous challenge for me, as an 800 word article will consistently end up being 1200 words, leaving me to spend the morning before my final deadline scaling down, editing, and rewriting, so that I can get out all that I want to say, with fewer words.  Satisfied with my final product, I submit it.  Then, I have to wait.  And wait.  And wait.  I agonize over the response of my publisher.  Was it too dry?  Too detailed?  To weak?  And then I wait some more, as it seems I'm not his one and only contributor, and he has many other articles to read and approve, before I get my gold star.  Still, I agonize, and love it, all at the same time.  It's so bipolar.

But, it's part of what I have to do, to get myself out there as a writer.  Because I really do have a higher purpose in mind, or something more that I want to do with my writing.  And I can't get on to my greater goals, if I don't start out right where I am now.  Enduring the challenges of it, while growing thicker skin, and steadier nerves.

See, writing books for children, and writing theatre reviews, as fulfilling as they both are, isn't all that I want to do.  My primary focus is to write material that will inspire, encourage, and help people who are in the midst of Family Crisis, and then play a part in them being able to see that they too can recover, that there is hope, and that there is a wonderful plan for their life--that God is going to use their painful experience as an encouragement for others who befall family tragedy.  And that they can persevere.  I can dabble at this with this Blog, and I get a deeper satisfaction from that so far, than anything else.  But, until I can go farther with it, I will continue to slowly build my name as a writer, by doing other things.  Like, getting stronger, learning how to write more effectively, and developing my style.

Today I submitted a review for a children's play Lee and I saw Saturday.  And within only a couple of hours, I think, I got word back.  An affirming word.  A positive word.  Not the over the top A-plus, plus, plus, plus...I'd dreamed of, but something just as good, and with that positive word from him, I was good.

Writers...you gotta love us.  It's not just what we do, but it's in part, who we are.  We put our vulnerabilities out there so far, that we end up showing you our insecurities.  Like, I'm a little nervous,  hoping you got that I was totally joking, when I went on and on about the NDA, and expecting the A-plus, or gold star .  I wasn't being boastful, I was being silly.  Self-deprecating, really.  Mocking myself.  Like Barney Fife.  But yet, still being boastful enough, right?  Because I didn't edit it out, now, did I?

Heaven help me.  Um, literally.