We lived a clean, and deliberately good life free of wild parties and late nights out. Never, in a million years, would I have suspected my husband of being capable of such a thing as this. When I found out, it was as though all of the air was sucked out of my body, and my feet were chopped off. I didn't know where to go, or what to do, or how to get there.
I wasn't the only one left aimless and without air. The kids were left with spinning heads, so great was their shock. In the months that followed our separation, I was amazed even more by the anger in the children that was often times directed toward me. I was in counseling, and I remember asking my counselors about this. Why was it that they would be mad at me? I wasn't the one who had the affair. I wasn't the one who betrayed the family. I wasn't the one who put my own interests, lusts, and desires over the well being of my children. Why would they be angry at me?
My counselors told me that they were angry at me because they could be. Children don't have to know, or get the dirty details of betrayal in order to sense what betrayal could mean. It could mean rejection. The natural fear for a child in a situation such as this, would be to have their father reject them, the way they saw him reject their mother. If they direct their anger toward the parent who betrayed them initially, they run the risk of that betrayal being a stepping stone to rejection, resulting in the loss of that parent. And kids, no matter how badly they've been hurt by a parent, continue to reach toward that parents for affirmation, love, and acceptance. We see it all the time in children who have physically abusive parents. It boggles the mind how a child can protect, and lie for their father or mother who regularly hurts them, but this is what kids do. They desperately seek the hearts of their parents.
So, when I was the parent who was hurt right alongside them, it was a mystery to me that they would not only not seek me for comfort, but that they would end up rejecting me. As I went to my counselors for understanding, they explained that this is a common reaction in a child. They will reject the parent they ultimately feel safer with. They knew that I wouldn't reject them. That I'd be there for them. That I'd comfort them in spite of their rage.
And they had no small amounts of rage. The way that rage presented itself varied from child to child, but it was there, and it was devastating to see it in them. To see a good 3-4 years of their childhood lost to such negative energy, and adverse actings out.
Things have turned around, and are even better than they were before our family fell apart. We have done a lot of work reshaping our approaches to life, our attitudes, our points of view, and our coping skills when life gets challenging. We are living a life that is so healthy and so functional, that when I look back to our life Pre-Crisis, I see the darkness that resided under the surface that needed to get a good, deep cleaning out anyway. So much so, that I have looked back on the initial infidelity as a blessing, no longer cursing it, but being grateful for it. The affair brought so much to light, and I am so thankful.
Six years later, I still find myself as the whipping post for my kids from time to time. Unfortunately, some of the issues that hurt the kids and me aren't all in the past. There are relational dynamics that some of the kids have with their dad that continue to be challenging, and painful to them. I'm happy that it isn't an environment they live in on a full-time basis anymore, but the fact that it is still there causes pain for them.
And sadly, I continue to be the one they feel they can go to to direct their anger. It's been a long, hard 6 years, and I have to admit I have grown weary of the gut punches. But, it is nice to be able to be coming from a more healthy and stable place, where I can more easily identify it, and work through it. It isn't easy, though. I get mad sometimes that the issue the kids have with their dad continues to hurt our family. And me. I wish I wasn't so human about it, and could better shoulder it, but that's where my heart is lately. Just tired of having this be an issue.
I do believe, with all of my heart, that things will work together for good. I do believe that God is stronger than me, and that He is stronger than the kids, and that He is stronger than Hugo, and that He is stronger than their dad, and that He has the ability, in His strength, to work through all of us, and make it all work together well. I trust Him with that.
See, He is my go-to for all of my pain. For all of my needs. The One I can ask Why? to, knowing He won't reject me. He knows my needs, and He knows the needs of my kids.
After all, He brought us Hugo.
And He has lifted me up out of my pit, picked me up onto my feet, and He has given me new feet, and a new path.
I don't feel the despair I used to feel. I know that if the kids have me in a dark moment, it will get light again, and with each dark moment dealt with, our life ends up being brighter. And, I have a high level of hope that each of the kids will end up with an acceptance of their dad. With a simplicity in their relationship that is basic and easy to live. To know that he loves them. That he has emotional deficits that were done to him long before any of us were ever in his life. That he ultimately wants the best for them.
And I know that as they mature, they will see my commitment to them as something they cherish. Just as I look at my own mother's commitment to me, and hold it as something I cherish myself. Kids, when they are old, will not depart from going in the way they've been trained to go. And before God, I can say that they are being trained to go to great places. It's an exhausting ride, but I can only imagine the view, once they get there.
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