You would think that having a spouse who is unfaithful is the worst thing that can happen in a marriage. Yes, it is horrible, and it sucks the breath out of your body when you discover that yours is a marriage defined by such a horrible end, or at best, a horrible break in trust. But it wasn't long after I left my husband that I discovered something far more ominous that had been lurking in our marriage from the day we started dating. He was controlling. So much so, that he was abusive.
I knew that he was high-control. In so many ways, I am too. I have seen in myself the completely illogical pattern of thinking that if I'm with my kids, tending to their needs and present with them, nothing bad will happen. They won't fall. If I pray hard enough at night, they won't have bad dreams. If I keep them pumped with Vitamin C, they won't get sick. But, of course they still got skinned knees, they still have nightmares, and they have had a lot of colds. But my brand of control is different from the control that was the foundation of our relationship.
When he wouldn't let me go anywhere after dark, I believed it was because he was protecting me. We couldn't even play outside with the Nebraska lightening bugs.
When he wouldn't let me pursue my education, or work outside the home, or have our kids in public school, or go out to dinner with friends, or have friends at our house when he'd come home from work, I believed all of the reasons he'd give.
I believed him, when he said that I needed to stay home with the kids during the day when he was at work, rather than being involved with friends and their kids. We did do things, but I had to limit it, and many of the things we did, we did without his blessing, and with difficult consequences when we'd get home. Anger. Angry words directed at me and my recklessness.
Homeschooling was something I loved doing, and it was something I believed in. We did it for 9 years. Tessa went to public pre-school and Kindergarten, but otherwise, she was homeschooled all the way through to high school. Adam has a very social personality, and he craved interaction with other kids. We had an active homeschool group, and we did do a lot with them, but again, I had to wrestle the needs of the kids with the need of my husband, for us to be home.
I believe that there are many excellent options for our kids' education, and not every method works the same way with kids with different learning styles and needs. The option of putting the kids in the one-room schoolhouse nearby was out of the question. In spite of the excellence that came from that school, and in spite that 2 of our kids would have loved it.
When the kids got to a level in math beyond my ability to teach, he wouldn't let me get them tutored. In spite of the fact that we had many people we knew who excelled in math that were offering to help.
When he'd come home from work at 4:00, he wouldn't let us go outside again. If we were outside with the horses, we had to wrap it up and head inside. He didn't like the outdoors, and he wanted us in with him once he was home. So, in the summer, we had to miss out on the joy of a ride in the early evening. A time of day that is full of beauty and relaxation.
I wasn't allowed to wear anything that was lower cut than my collar bones. He preferred me without makeup, which I only agreed to in the first years of marriage, and he liked me dowdy. He knew that men would try and get a peek of whatever it was I had that he didn't want seen. If I ever bent over without holding my blouse down, he would lecture me about my being too eager to share what I had. He believed that even though I was holding a baby on my hip while serving the plate of food to our guest, I let my blouse fall open intentionally. Anger. Angry words at night, when we were alone. Accusations.
When we were first married, I wasn't allowed to be friends with any guy-friends I had before we were together. In fact, I wasn't allowed to be friends with men, with the exception of my boss at the time, who was (and is) a very important man in my life (miss you Christopher!!). I couldn't even be friends with the best man in our wedding.
Never, never, never did I ever stray in our marriage. My commitment to my husband was solid, because my commitment to God is solid, and I take His words about marriage seriously. Besides, any self-esteem I had entering the marriage was gone early on. Even if I did want to think outside my marriage relationship, nobody would want me, and I didn't feel like I had anything to offer. I was a size 14. And I'm 5'3". (I weighed 105 pounds when we married, 112 pounds after I had our first baby. I'm not supposed to be a size 14.)
It was always known that he was the smarter of the two of us. That he was the more logical, and the only one able to make wise decisions. Women are emotional, and incapable of true leadership, even in the family. This is what I had been taught by both my husband, and my father-in-law.
Being on the other side of a life like that, I feel like I have a special radar that allows me to see this type of a limited lifestyle. Life is so much more than living it through the narrow lens of the perspective of someone else--especially when their view is distorted by fear and paranoia.
So, what do you do if your radar points you to a friend or sister or neighbor who is living a life like the one I lived? Or, what do you do if you suddenly see that yours is a life lived under the control of someone else?
First of all, find a safe, unbiased friend or group of friends to confide in. A friend or group of friends who will speak the truth. Someone who loves your family. Someone who will listen. A support group will give the battered spouse the backbone she (or he) has had weakened. They will direct her (or him) toward counseling, or a pastor, or a rabbi, or toward Celebrate Recovery (one of my best friends).
The biggest fear those of us who have been in a controlling relationship has, is that others will see negatively the person we love, and that they will judge them for being bad or wrong.
Co-dependents love to have others love the ones we love.
But there is no act more loving than taking steps that might set you in the right direction, so that you can hopefully lead the one you love down the right path as well. I learned that being an enabling co-dependent was the single most selfish act I could have owned. I made it my job to build up my husband on a foundation that was bad. Where was the love in that? It would be far more loving to blow the whistle on something as destructive as control, get help, take steps off of such a foundation, and then build up something healthy and good.
The sad truth? Most, if not all, spouses who are as controlling as my husband was, are controlling because they are hiding something. Some deeply-rooted secret they are terrified of having found out. Something they take great pains to keep covered up--which is why they have to keep their families so tightly controlled. They control their environment, because they know deep down that they themselves are out of control.
We all have a responsibility to help to guide our loved ones out of such a life as this. Imagine what we are doing to our children, when they are raised in such an environment?
There is so much life on the other side. So much satisfaction, when we are free of something as ominous as living under the control of a terrified spouse. Get help. Get help for the ones you love.
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