My Response to the Recent Pain of My Children

Hugo and I went away for a little vacation.  We drove up to Lafayette, CA to see his sister Olivia and her husband Scott and celebrate America's independence.  We based out of their house and from there we went on a couple of day trips.  One to San Francisco (LOVED it!!), and one day we went to Napa.

It was a great six days away--just Hugo and me, sans children.

Truth be told, it served as a convenient distraction.  Some of the children went away with their dad for an 11-day vacation up to Washington state.  I had to work very, very hard on my attitude.  This is the longest time I've ever gone without seeing Abi or Lee.  I also knew that the trip would challenge the patience of their dad, and I feared bad experiences for them.  But out of respect for their need to spend this time with him and with their grandma, as well as their adult cousin and his young children, I hoped for something better than that which my fears could conjure.  I chose to believe in the good that could come from this.  I also knew that it would be a good time for Hugo and me to get away--something we haven't done.  Ever.

Hugo and I are back home, and the children will return tomorrow.  As the hours tick closer toward their arrival time, I find myself overwhelmed at times with emotion--such is the extent of my longing for them.

While they have been away, I have had the sorrow of seeing some of my worst fears realized.  There have been phone calls and texts to us from the children that have revealed harsh words spoken, and painful moments spent at the hand of their dad.  Now this time, out of respect to the children, I will not reveal details.  But out of my need to be transparent in my journey, I will share my response to it all.

I am bitter.  The root of bitterness has found fertile soil, and I have a vine that is twisting and turning within my spirit, and I fear for the density of this weed, and the potential destruction of many good things I have sown.

When I reflect on the memories from our life together those 18 years, and of his verbal abuse and extreme control, I can be at peace, as it is behind me.  Sometimes the memory stings, but it isn't a system in which I still live.  It is in my past.  But it is so hard to have to relive the verbal abuse and powerful control of my ex-husband, as I see the same patterns he used on me lived out in his approach to the children.  The way he speaks, and cuts, and breaks-down, and is threatened by thought and opinion that differs from his own.

It is at this point in my life, that I must rely on the support and prayers of my closest family and friends.  Please pray for me, that I can take captive the bitterness that wells within me.  I want to acknowledge it, I want to understand it, I want to accept that there is an element of righteousness and validity that fuels my feelings of anger.  But I don't want that anger to become bitterness.  It has, but I don't want it to.

Bitterness will keep me from being able to keep a clear head as I deal with my ex-husband on his treatment of the children.  Bitterness will keep a dark perspective on the issue at hand, rather than an accurate perspective.  Bitterness will get in the way of my ability to talk through the bad behavior of their dad as I sit with the children and discuss the things he has said and done on these days that were supposed to be happy.  Bitterness will keep me from being able to see.  And the children need me to see.  I need me to see.

My head hurts badly--it has for days.  It's awesome of God that He has seen fit to give us pain as a symptom of a tremendous wound.  Even of something destructive within us.

It is my hope--my prayer--that I can get a grip quickly.  Please pray for me!!  They will be home tomorrow afternoon.  Nope...I just looked at the time.  They'll be home this afternoon.  This afternoon!!  I need to be right for them.  I can't wait to have my babies back.