Tragedy in CT: Grieving Together

Joelle Deyo holds a degree in Fine Arts from Cal Poly, Pomona and is an artist residing in Glendora, California.

Joelle knows the pain of marital infidelity, betrayal and divorce, and she is a survivor of addiction, childhood sexual abuse, and Anorexia.

She brings a wealth of experience to Wings Like Eagles, and is willing to be transparent and real so that our readers who have traveled similar paths will have someone with whom they can relate.

She is an advocate for the recovery process, and is a firm believer that there is hope, and a fulfilling life on the other side of Crisis.

It is Joelle's hope is that her experiences, past and present, will bring perspective and encouragement to those who are in the middle of their own life battles and who have been stuck in the pit, just like her.

By:  Joelle Deyo

I am deeply grieved by the events that transpired in Connecticut this morning. Twenty-seven precious lives taken in yet another mass shooting this year.  I just don't know how to wrap my head around that.

To be honest, I am angry that I live in a world where I even have to try to make sense of such a thing.  Sadness, outrage, disgust.  I know I'm not the only one cycling through these emotions.  I grieve with millions today. 

It is not just the families of the slain who must now pick up the shattered pieces of their lives and try to find a path forward in the wake of terrible losses.  As a nation, we are once again left searching for comfort and hope, wondering if we will ever see peace in our time.

Those of us who have children are burdened with the difficult task of trying to explain an act of violence to which we would not have them exposed. We feel a loss of surety in the safety of our little ones as we send them out into the world to learn and grow. We cannot imagine losing one of our own. 

Those of us who do not have children are left to question the state of affairs in our nation and ask, “What has happened?”  We wonder if the cruelty will ever end and fear that it may only be the beginning of a trend of increasingly brutal acts against the innocent.  I look at what I see around me and all I can say is, yes, this is just the beginning, unless... Unless, we open our eyes, wake up, stand up, and move toward transformation as a body. 

In times like these, in our grief, we often cry out to our leaders, “How are you going to fix this?  How are you going to stop this from happening again, and again, and again?”  But, I wonder…what are we going to do?

I've read a lot of things in the news today. I've listened to the voices of pundits speaking from their national platforms on everything from gun control to increased security in schools.  But, I’ve heard absolutely nothing about individuals and families stepping up and taking on the role as healers of their own communities.  No one talked about looking for a cure that heals the disease holistically and from the inside out.

I do not feel equipped to give voice to the political issues at hand.  I do feel highly equipped, however, being a trauma survivor, a victim of violence, and a human of good conscience, to speak to the very real need for proactive grieving. 

It is not enough that we feel sorrow. It is imperative that we go to the source of the violence we see growing around us and get honest about it. 

We live in a society permeated with aggression and fear.  Our youth are more exposed to their effects, and exhibit more anti-social behaviors than at any other point in our history. Our rates of divorce, addiction, crime, unemployment, debt, and mental illness are at all-time highs. Far too many of us are enraged, depressed, afraid, and hopeless.  In spite of all of this, we are encouraged to remain in a constant state of consumerism, distraction, denial, and desensitization -- to turn a blind eye to the very real threat we are becoming to ourselves.

There has NEVER been a more crucial moment for us to step into the light, and admit the truth. There is too much at stake.

Something has to change. It is time for mothers and fathers to pay attention.  It is time for classmates and friends to look around them.  It is time for families to acknowledge the seeds of violence and despair taking root in their homes, and it is time for individuals at every level of social standing to reach up and reach out.

We are not alone, nor are we islands unto ourselves.  We cannot live as though our behavior does not touch others.

We cannot continue forward, hoping for peace without reconstructing certain values from the ground up.

No law will take every gun out of every hand. That's a hard reality. Just as hard, is the reality that not every individual, if given the choices, opportunities and resources, will choose The Good.

We grieve, in part, because we know this to be true. Bad things will happen to good people sometimes.  But, I firmly believe that stanching the flow of violence is within our grasp, and as we feel our sadness and anger, we also need to consider together what we can do to bring harmony into our homes, our schools, and our cities. 

Is it time to turn off the violent images and games? Is it time to learn to communicate as a family? Is it time to get help for an illness or addiction? Is it time to stop the cycle of rage and abuse in your life? Is it time to be a friend instead of a bully? Or to offer support to someone who seems to be hurting? Is it time to become an advocate for peace?  

Only you know how to answer those questions for yourself. What I know is that that you and I have more power to effect change than we realize.

As we grieve with the families in Connecticut on this awful day, we need to take hold of that power, to take responsibility, and haul our lives and the lives of our loved ones back from the brink. That is the heart of all crisis recovery, no matter the scale or the degree of tragedy. Healing starts in the heart, and in the home.

Whoever you are, wherever you are; if you have been hurt, if you are angry, if you are broken hearted, if you can’t understand, if you’ve had enough, and seen too much… step into the light.

I encourage those of you struggling with the news today to reach out for support. Have conversations. Say I love yous, give hugs, and cry if you need to. Consider whether it is time to change negative patterns in your life or that of your family. Find out how you can show care and support to those who lost children today. We need one another.