Mike Runner brings a perspective to Wings Like Eagles that is unique and challenging.
I normally cover topics relating to the horror of having someone else bring darkness into the home. Mike covers the same topics, but from a completely different angle. He was the one who brought darkness to his family. Mike is an alcoholic.
It is my hope that the perception of what we think we know about Family Crisis is shaken up a bit. Because there is far more involved than we think. Much can be understood by examining the other side, and I deeply appreciate Mike's willingness to help us gain understanding as he shares with us the mind as it is affected by alcoholism.
He isn't just an alcoholic. He is an intelligent mind, has a bright, hopeful future, and he is my friend. And this is his story.
In AA and other recovery circles, we are told to share our
experience, strength and hope with others who are suffering. We share our experience so that people know
that we understand. Our experiences are
our stories while we were trapped.
Sometimes they are humorous in retrospect; sometimes they are simply
awful, sad, or pathetic.
Our strength is how we were able to get out of the
impossible mess…through God, through others, through working the 12 steps,
etc. Our strength is that something
outside of our own failed attempts that helped us to do what we could never do. We found strength in God, or in a group who
had survived, or by learning a new way to live life that has worked for others,
or a combination of the above.
Our hope is in how much our lives have already changed, the
serenity and wisdom we have gained, and how we have a wonderful life ahead
(regardless of circumstances) where we can both help others and not ever be in
bondage again.
Wal-Mart is an example of such an experience.
One of my darkest periods of my life was about 7 ½ years
ago. I had lost the job I had had for 13
years. The official reason was because I was in a sales job and had no drivers
license. Unofficially, however, I had
been drinking in the office which is something I had promised I would never
do. I will get into that and the
downfall of that job in due time.
I had no drivers license for a year after my second DUI, no
job, was on disability as I literally could not function, and was drinking
heavily. I was an absolute mess. To make matters worse, I cashed in my 401k so
I was a mentally unstable alcoholic with a bunch of money in his account. In general, and this certainly held true with
me, drunk people are not known to be financial wizards.
I suppose it must have been late November or early
December. I suspect I had already taken
a walk to the liquor store that morning.
No one was around and it seemed to be a great time to do some Christmas
shopping and Wal-Mart was only about a mile away. But
how was I going to get the presents home? I pondered with my broken thinking
cap for a few minutes when the thought “baby stroller!” jumped in my mind. I knew the logistics of the baby stroller
well as my 1 year old daughter and I often took walks and I was quite aware of
small sections of the stroller in which I could hide alcohol. She and I generally strolled to the liquor
store about twice a day a back then.
All went according to plan in the beginning. I walked an empty baby stroller for about a
half mile to the liquor store and stocked up and drank most of it on the way to
Wal-Mart. Shopping was easy enough. I had plenty of money to buy anything I
wanted, that could fit into my stroller.
As I was checking out, both a store patron and a Wal-Mart employee almost
simultaneously came up to me. I think
they thought I was smashing a child with all of the junk I had in the
stroller. A look of horror came across
their faces and one of them said to me in a panicked tone, “Where’s the
baby?!?” I tried to explain my
situation…being drunk probably didn’t help my case…but it sounded even odd to
myself.
“See, I lost my driver’s license
so I can’t drive. I live around here and
I wanted to Christmas shop. I never
brought a baby. I just thought I would
get in trouble if I pushed a Wal-Mart shopping cart to my house so I brought a
baby stroller to use instead.”
Unconvinced,
one of them yelled, “Security!” Then it
was the patron, the employee, and two security guards with me. Four people were now frowning at me instead
of just two. One of the security guys
asked me if I could verify that I had not brought a baby into the store. It was really a rather stupid question as of
course I had no way of verifying that I had or had not brought a baby into the
store. I’m sure security was wondering
if they should be calling the police or not when I told them that they could
call my wife. They called my wife and
said that they had this drunk guy who was walking around with a baby stroller
of full of merchandise but no baby. It
probably took my wife less than a second to say, “yep, that’s my husband.” For her, she had certainly received calls
stranger than that one about me.
Everyone seemed satisfied…I think one of the security guys might have
told me to cut down on the sauce a bit…and I checked out and stumbled home with
a stroller full of presents and a stomach full of booze.
One reason that I love writing this column is that the
subject matter is endless and it goes well beyond me. As far as my personal story, there is a beginning
and someday an end and a huge amount of content in between.
On alcoholism itself, the subject is living and breathing
because one of the main tenants of being a recovering alcoholic is accepting
that you were never able to quite figure out life, or at least certain parts of
it, without having to have an escape to feel normal or in control. Most of us were never entirely able to accept
life on life’s terms.
The study of a recovering alcoholic such as myself is both a
study of what alcohol did to me and did for me, as well as a study of having to
relearn or learn for the first time how to deal with the aspects of life that I
wasn’t very good at. Not knowing how to
deal with fear, anxiety, and resentments properly are common problem for an
alcoholic. I never held a lot of
resentments, but I lived in fear and anxiety.
Although alcoholics may be particularly bad in dealing with
these things, I believe these to be problems that everyone struggles with in
one way or another. The study of my
alcoholism also becomes a study of science.
What makes a person an alcoholic or addict from a medical/disability
standpoint? What is it that makes
roughly 5% of the population different in both mind and body? It is both a mental obsession and a physical
allergy. It is also of interest the way
that alcohol and drugs often go together with mental illness or brain
disorders. We call treating brain
disorders with alcohol or street drugs “self medicating” as the person is
trying to change their brain chemistry without true medical help or
psychological help.
I have said more than once that if there is true recovery,
you and your family will laugh again.
What I cannot promise is if you will do it together or separately. I understand that there has been a lot of
damage done and trust has been destroyed.
As alcoholics, if we are to recover, we often want everyone to believe
us and for everything to change quickly.
But, how many times have we given hope by making promises only to come
home drunk shortly thereafter? We have
to face the fact that it took us a long time to destroy things and that healing
and trust are things that can be brought back by our actions (the family is
done with our words) over periods of time.
They are right not to trust us and they need to be cautious. They need to protect themselves.
I am reminded that when I went to rehab years ago for the
second time my oldest daughter was 9.
She told her friends that Daddy was going to the hospital to get
well. Daddy stayed well for about a year
and returned to his old ways and her little spirit was crushed. She is 16 now and still has fears which is
totally natural. I never tell her that I
will never drink again, I simply tell her that if I do what I need to do today
I will get through the day sober.
In looking back at myself from an outsider’s perspective, I
would not have trusted me when I said, “this time is different.” I have said that phrase many times in the
past. If the family steps out into the
light, seeks help, and the alcoholic does not, the family may find joy and
laughter on their own and the alcoholic may stay in misery or may die in the
disease. The family sometimes has to step out of the situation and finally
realize that they cannot control the actions of the alcoholic, no matter hard
they try.
There will be laughter
together, apart, or at times only for the family as they continue to love the
alcoholic as a safe physical and emotional distance.
I want to make it very clear that both sides need to
recover, not just the alcoholic. I highly suggest professional family
counseling. If there has been any physical violence when someone has been
drinking, you need to separate yourself immediately, especially if you have
children.
I know the alcoholic says they are sorry the next day. They probably really are and believe that it
will never happen again. Everything goes
out the window once they drink again. You
need to leave until there has been legitimate change over a period of
time.
I am lucky that I was not a physically violent alcoholic. I know many who were, who would never dream
of being that way when they were sober.
I never advocate divorce if it can be avoided and every situation is
unique. I always advocate physical and emotional separation if a situation is
escalating and spiraling out of control.
Next week: Fist fighting with the carpet cleaner?
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