living with PTSD and why medication isn't for me

Tracey Anne Hallberg is my Monday Guest Contributor.  She is a survivor of Family Crisis, and proof positive that there is light on the other side.  She shares from her heart, leaving very little to the imagination.  

Her story is valid, important, and needs to be shared.  My personal journey is very different from hers, but on my journey, I have come upon many...many...who have had to live through horrors similar to the upbringing Tracey was forced to endure.  

Tracey is one of the most courageous women I have had the privilege to know, and I am honored to share Wings Like Eagles with her every Monday.

Tracey's account is graphic and raw, and is not suitable for young or sensitive readers.  I give her posts a strong PG-13 rating.

Editor's Note:  Wings Like Eagles is not in any way opposed to the use of medication as a means to help an individual suffering from depression, anxiety, ADD, bronchitis, an ear infection, or any other ailment that might arise, presenting the need.  Wings Like Eagles is also not opposed to hearing the opinions of individuals who find that the use of medication is not an option for them.  We do not take a stand for, or against the use of medication.  We believe that to medicate, or not to medicate really is the question for many, but the decision is unique for each individual.  That said, the Editor would love to disclose that anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medications have resided within the editor's medicine cabinet, and that Kristi has had fun referring to herself as "editor" in this Editor's Note.

Before I started writing my story, I used to tell it.  Maybe I had bad timing.  I am sure sometimes I did.  Some people could not handle it. Some people were judgmental.  My delivery has been off before. 

Living with PTSD.  Well, when the doctor listened to my nightmares and flashbacks, my shakin' spells...all the symptoms of the disorder, he diagnosed me straight away.

I want to clarify...I am not in any danger to myself or anyone else.  I am not violent, nor have I tried to kill myself.  So, when the doctor said he was wanting me to try anti-anxiety pills, I said to him, " I am not depressed, I am not trying to hurt myself.  Unless you do a scan on my brain chemicals and know for sure if they are imbalanced, you got no right or means to tell me that I need medication."

Honestly, it infuriated me.  To have someone try to prescribe me mind altering drugs without a full diagnostic.

I said, "How easy for you to come to the conclusion to medicate me."

ARE YOU KIDDING ME????  NO suggestions of relaxation techniques, or other possible means to help stress.

So I did my own research.

When I am triggered, I have learned to calm myself by takin' a hot shower, bubble bath, exercise.  You know, all I can do to relax myself.

I have done pretty well.

There are certain things that trigger me.  Feelings of abandonment, feelings of guilt.  Driving unnerves me.  Mama was a drunk, drunk driver.  She got us into sooo many accidents.  I had suppressed all these memories.  To the point they popped up during stressful times.

I remind myself in these moments, this is NOW…it is not 1982.

It is a continual battle for me to remain in the NOW.  Not to reflect on past emotions, though they have molded me into who I am today.  I concentrate on the present.  Ask myself, "Is this feeling Past or Future?”  If I find that I have been looking into the Past, I tell myself, “Stop, and look around you, Tracey.”

Me and Jesus, still walkin' on.

I remind myself, “He is right beside me.  Livin' through me, all this time.  Never left me.”

I am a tough cookie...I got mad skills.

I stay in prayer.  Every moment.  Like the Bible says, never ceasing.

God is my strength.  On my own, I am lost.

It is hard for me to trust people.  I second-guess them every moment.

Workin' on the trust.  Don't know when that will come.  One day at a time, one moment at a time.