Adam's Story -- Part 3

Adam had just turned 16 when he moved back in with Hugo and me.  His charter school has multiple locations, and we were able to transfer him from his previous location to a different one closer to our new house.

His life was pretty simple for him.  School two days a week, and that was about it.  Concerned that his leisure time was far more heavily weighted than his productive time, I urged him to seek balance by involving himself in volunteer work.  He volunteered weekly in Lee's Kindergarten class listening to kids read out loud, testing their comprehension, and helping Lee's teacher grade assignments.  It was so much fun seeing him in there, completely adored by the kids.  Mr. Adam.  He smiled deeply, beneath his smile.

Transitioning into life with Hugo was not nearly as difficult as other transitions I've heard about, when a step-parent comes into the mix.  Adam was never threatened by Hugo's command of authority, simply because Hugo didn't demand it.  Sure, he is a strong leader, but he never wanted to come in and push his way into the family as the new sheriff in town.  In a way he was, because he is disciplined in the ways in which we have lacked discipline, and he maintains that discipline himself, expecting us all to follow suit.  But, in matters of the heart, he didn't want to throw himself to the kids, making them love their new dad.  He knew they already have a dad they love.

My ex-husband has continued to maintain a distance between himself and his kids that has been painful for them.  Adam had a lot of conflict when he lived with his dad.  But, as he compared his natural dad's behavior and responses to the behavior and responses of Hugo, he saw big differences.

The kids have been blessed, because it seems as though all of the ways in which their natural dad struggles, Hugo is strong.  And I could be wrong, but I really think that my ex-husband sees that, and rather than be threatened by it, to his credit, he is comforted by it.  Like, he knows that there are aspects of what the kids need in his personality and character that he just can't produce, and when he sees Hugo fill those needs, he is relieved.  He loves his children very much.  And so does Hugo.

Adam sees this.  Of all of the kids, he was the first one to accept his dad for who he is, and how he is.  Knowing that he doesn't behave the way he does because he is evil, or bad, or doesn't love his kids, but that he responds to life, the kids included, because of the hurts and pain he suffers deeply from his own childhood.  It doesn't excuse it, or make it OK for him to berate or neglect his kids, but it helps those of us who are subjected to his behavior understand him.

Adam was able to see his dad for who he is, forgive his dad for who he is, and love his dad for who he is.  And when he did that, the anger, lifted.  It was gone.  No more lashing out at me.  No more yelling matches with his dad.

Adam was also able to seek the things he needs in a dad from Hugo.  Hugo's love for him is intense, and he marvels at the depth of their relationship.  Hugo willingly gives Adam the time and attention  Adam was so starved for, his entire childhood.  Trips to the batting cages, games of catch, jam sessions in the garage, incessant nagging about Adam's need to pick up his dirty clothes and empty clothes hangers from his bedroom floor.  Adam has needed it all, and he drinks it in.

Hugo joined me in keeping Adam on the straight and narrow academically.  He was in an independent study program, which means he could work extra hard to make up his freshman year, and graduate on time.  But, it could also mean that he could slack off.

We push for academic excellence in our family.  It doesn't necessarily have to be straight-A's.  If a child is working their hardest, and they get a C, they will get our applause.  But, if they are slacking off, and they get a C, well, not so much.

Adam was definitely improving his Straight-F GPA from his freshman year.  He was getting B's, and C's.  But, we really believed he could do better, because we just didn't see him working that hard on his schooling. He needed to study more, and try harder.  To not be so happy to settle for mediocrity.  He challenged us on this, holding fast to the fact that he wasn't failing like before.  That he had improved.  But, we stood firm too.  We wanted to build in him a character that wouldn't so easily settle for less.  It caused some tension, especially between Adam and Hugo, because Hugo was able to sift through the smelly stuff, and cut to the chase, where I was always a little fearful that Adam would snap again, and give up altogether.

I have a rule of no gaming on school days.  Adam asked to have that rule softened, since he was older.  I had to really think about it, but I agreed, under the condition that he only game when his grades were good.  He had to spend more time studying, and applying himself to his education.  If he brought home the grades, he could game.  It was a great incentive, and an opportunity for him to take more responsibility, seeing firsthand and immediate benefits to working hard in school.

And he did it.  Adam made up his freshman year, as well as completed his other requirements, so that he could graduate the same year he would have, had he stayed in traditional high school.  He did 4 years in 3.  And through the completion of every subject, we saw him stand a little taller.

Adam has gotten very involved in his youth group of about 500 teens at church.  He is close with a group of guys his age, who meet together with a leader/mentor every week.  He has grown tremendously.  Spiritually, mentally, emotionally, and physically!  My 10 pound, 1 ounce baby boy stands at 6'2", and wears a size 13 shoe.

The sweet, witty little boy I raised all those years ago has grown to be a sweet, witty, intelligent, and beautiful young man, wise beyond his years.  His heart for others, and compassion for people who are hurting is a driving force within him.  His love and commitment to God is the driving force that gives purpose to all of his other driving forces.

Sure that he has been called by God, Adam has chosen to pursue a life of full-time Christian service.  He wants to take the pains of his past, and help others who suffer as he has suffered.

He graduates next Tuesday.  He will start college in the fall.  We celebrate, not only the success of his completion of high school, but we celebrate the success of his life.  Courage.  Facing his heartache, working through it, rising above it.

He laughs.  A lot.  And he makes us laugh.  A lot.  Oh, and he plays the piano again.  The beautiful piano music of my son fills our home, and my heart.  Beauty from ashes, indeed.