Hospice

This morning, my Mary Mom is being transported from her hospital bed in Loma Linda, to her own bed at home, where she will soon be leaving a body ravaged by a tumor that will ultimately take her life.

The high dose of steroids did nothing to stop the monster.  In spite of the attempts to stop it, or even slow it, she continued to show signs of severe brain trauma.  There is a condition called Decerebrate Posturing, and she began doing this Wednesday night.  The medical staff, at that point, knew that the tumor had won.

The kids are in a state of shock.  It was just in late June/early July that it was apparent that things were not right with their grandma, while they were on vacation with her.  From the first findings of the tumor in mid-July, to her rapid deterioration, the kids have tried hard to keep up with everything that has been going on with their her, trying to make sense of it.  But, the adults in their life haven't been able to help them much in this area--it has been a tremendous shock for us all.

When I think of my commitment to Mary, I have always thought about the Book of Ruth in the Bible.  The story where Ruth tells her mother-in-law Naomi that she will follow her, and stay true to her, because she had committed herself so wholeheartedly to the people of her Naomi-Mom.  I have always felt that level of love and respect for Mary, and making the decision to divorce her son was all the more difficult, as I wrestled with the fact that I felt like I was betraying her.

She and I had a special bond.  We were both married to men who were pretty awful, but yet who both had the potential to be spectacular.  We both chose to see our husbands in the light of who they could be, rather than let ourselves see them in the light of who they chose to be.  When my ex-husband shone the light on who he really was, I wasn't able to look through the lenses I had crafted for myself any longer.  All I could see was the threat of my children being raised in a system that was teaming with all of the elements that would make it so easy for them to follow down the path of their father and grandfather.  I knew I had to leave that life in order to give hope to my children.  So I left it.  And God brought us Hugo.

Hugo has entered our life, and he has brought us the balance we have needed.  The Ambriz Family is so very similar to the Tisor Family, it's kind of creepy.  The kids are thriving in this new and healthy environment, and every day I thank God for where He has brought us.

But then, I think of Ruth, and I feel badly about leaving my Naomi.  Maybe it's the codependent side of me.  Maybe it's the strong sense of loyalty my parents raised me with.  Whatever it is, it has been hard for me to bring it all together, and make it all make sense.  I guess I'm just left with the belief that sometimes life just doesn't make sense, but yet we gain much by simply living it the best we can.

Last night, I sat next to my new mother-in-law, Elaine Ambriz, at her dinner table...my Elaine-Mom.  I looked at her hands, and I thought about Mary's hands, and for a second, I felt a little bit conflicted.  Both sets of hands are dear to me.  But, then I had a bit of a flashback of when I first met Elaine Ambriz all those years ago (OK, only 2 years ago).  I remember wondering if I'd have time to have the same love for her as I have been able to grow in the 25 years since I first met Mary.  As I looked at her hands last night, I knew that I could.  That it's already happened.  No, we don't have the history, but what we do have has gotten off to a great start, and my love and respect for her only grows with every Thursday Night Dinner with the Family.  Dinners made by those hands.  The hands I was looking at.  The hands that were filling my eyes with secret, quiet tears, as I watched them.

I just thought of my own mother's hands.  The hands of Sharron Tisor have made me cry myself to sleep many a Nebraska night.  How blessed I am to have the mother I have, and to be back home, in California, with her.  If it wasn't for her, and for the kind of mom she is, I would have never had the capacity to be able to love my mothers-in-law like I do.  She has been the greatest influence of strength and determination in my life.  It is with the strength of my mother, which was born into me, that I have been able to have the ability to fight against all of the things that were wrong in my life.  To be here, where I am, today.

Tomorrow, the children and I will be going to see their Grandma Mary, and the possibility is great that it will be the last time we see her on this earth.  At this point, I'm hoping that she leaves her body soon.  That she will be collected by her mother, and by her husband who, without the baggage of his troubles in this life, is the man she waited for all of her life.  I hope that he comes to take the hand of his bride, and together they go over to The Other Side where she can find peace and happiness, and a new life void of disappointments.

Thank you all for your support and for all of your prayers.  It has been a tremendous blessing.