I have a very well-developed "No" muscle. This is a good thing. It comes in handy when I'm shopping with the kids.
"Mom! Can I get a candy bar?
"No."
"There's a Justin Bieber poster! Can I get it?"
"No."
"Can I get an iPod (after the last one finally died after its second round in the washing machine)?"
"Seriously? No."
"Can we go to Mc Don-"
"No."
I'm a machine. Cold, unaffected, efficient. I pride myself on my skill.
It drives me crazy, when I'm out in public and a child throws a tantrum because they were told no, only to see the parent cave, and give in. Grow a backbone! Develop the "No" muscle.
Being given a "no," especially when the request is excessive or over-the-top, is a good thing. We need to be reeled in, to live with limits. When the limits are lifted, boredom sets in.
When I was in junior high, I wanted to wear make-up. My mom was the one in our family who gave that privilege out. She let me wear mascara when I was in 7th grade, and then eye-liner in 8th. Eye shadow came later. I challenged her on this. Why? Why couldn't I just wear it all once I turned 13? Well, other than not wanting her oldest child to look like a tramp, her answer was one that I couldn't argue, even at my age of challenging answers I didn't like. She said, "If I let you do everything now, what will you have to look forward to in the future?"
I've thought about that a lot through the years. There have been a lot of times that I've been told no, and even more times that I've been told I'd have to wait. Rather than stomp my feet and throw a tantrum about it, I've made the mental effort to take the perspective that my having to wait only gives me something to look forward to in the future. It makes the anticipated prize sweeter.
I have to admit, though, that sometimes having to deal with a big fat NO is painfully difficult.
We were in my parents' kitchen, my sisters and me, on Father's Day. My one sister asked me what I was planning on doing the weekend of July 22. I shrugged, wondering where she was going with her question. U2, our collective FAVORITE OF FAVORITES band, was going to be in Minneapolis July 23. Our brother lives in a Minneapolis suburb. Wouldn't it be fun to go to Minnesota and see U2 with Gregg?
Yes, it would. Yes, it really would. Yes, yes, YES, YES, YESSSSSS!!!!! Hugo walked in. My sister grabbed him and began suggesting the wonders of such a plan. My husband's face didn't reflect her enthusiasm, or my enthusiasm, for that matter. In a moment, I knew that what wanted to be a "YES," really needed to be a "no." I was crushed. Devastated. Close to kicking and screaming and throwing a fit. In my spirit, of course...not outwardly. An internal fit. But a fit, all the same.
If only I could list all of the reasons why my not joining them on their adventure this weekend was by far the best thing after all, and then inspire my readers with illustrations of the peace of my decision, seeing it from this better, more wise, perspective. If only I could taut my maturity and parade my growth through this process. If only I could say that getting a "no" feels right when you know that it is right. Nope. I can't.
Well, not true. I really can say that it feels good to do what is right. It's just that this brand of good isn't without pain. For our family, my going would not have been good at this time. The timing was bad. We have too many plates spinning. In all honesty, had I gone, I wouldn't have enjoyed the carefree fun such a weekend should receive. The carefree fun they all enjoyed, because for them, it wasn't a "no," time. It was a "yes," and it worked for them. But for me, I would have felt guilty, especially this morning, if I would have spent the $500+ on myself for something that was ill-timed. For us, it just wasn't the right thing for me to do. And no matter how hard it is to face it, I have to be a grown up and take it. There's nothing like money to make a person see clearly. $500 could be insignificant if it's the right time...when it isn't, $500 might as well be one-million-dollars. (You have to read that with your slightly-bent pinkie finger by edge of your lips, with Dr. Evil's voice in your head..."one MILLion dollars...")
But why, God? Why U2?! (Slight stomp of the foot.) Check it out! I'm not as cold, unaffected, and efficient as I thought I was. My "machine" has a loose screw. Especially when the "no," is directed toward me.
But seeking a silver lining, just look how cool it is to do the right thing for my family. Even if it is to show my kids that I have to live with a "no" every now and then too. I can strengthen my backbone, standing firm on my answer, but staying sensitive to how that "no" can make us feel. I'll be a reconfigured machine...maybe not as cold, definitely affected, but still efficient.
Yesterday, Hugo and I stood in line at Costco, waiting to order pizza and soda. A family with young children stood in line beside us waiting for their lunch as well. The little girl in their family asked in an all-familiar tone, "Can we get ice cream too?" I couldn't help it. I glanced over at the mom, for a backbone-check...it's habit. Cooly, and without hesitation, she replied, "no." I smiled. We made eye contact. She stood taller.
This is hard stuff. We gotta stick together.
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