Tracey Anne Hallberg is my Monday Guest Contributor. She is a survivor of Family Crisis, and proof positive that there is light on the other side. She shares from her heart, leaving very little to the imagination.
Her story is valid, important, and needs to be shared. My personal journey is very different from hers, but on my journey, I have come upon many...many...who have had to live through horrors similar to the upbringing Tracey was forced to endure.
Tracey is one of the most courageous women I have had the privilege to know, and I am honored to share Wings Like Eagles with her every Monday.
Tracey's account is graphic and raw, and is not suitable for young or sensitive readers. I give her posts a strong PG-13 rating.
EDITOR'S NOTE. NAMES HAVE BEEN CHANGED TO PROTECT THE IDENTITY OF THE FAMILY MEMBERS TRACEY INCLUDES IN HER STORY.
For 7 years, Dana was clean and sober. For seven years, she called me. Nearly every day. She wrote me many letters. She spoke about her life, her choices, her fears, her hopes and dreams. She was the real deal. She quickly became my best friend. We laughed about the past. We cried about it too. We understood each other. We became one voice. We completed each others' sentences. We were connected like no ones business...I finally got to see who she really was. She was so much like me. It was kinda weird. Very strange. But also very cool. I could call her when I was exhausted. I called her when I was excited. I called her when I was scared. I called her...jest to hear her voice. Her laugh was jest like mine. Jest like Mama's. We were peas in a pod.
She had been dating. Some disappointments came and left. She got remarried. She got re-divorced. We talked about it all. She was transparent. She was real. She never hid anything from me. She knew I understood.
Her girls, Beth and Emily had moved in. They were all takin' care of Kaylee, Dana's grand-daughter.
Her girls, Beth and Emily had moved in. They were all takin' care of Kaylee, Dana's grand-daughter.
We went to visit when Kaylee was almost 2. It was so fun. Trinity, my daughter, was 3 and they played together, bathed together, and swam together. I am so grateful for those memories. Our children were connected. It was perfect. God is so good.
We flew home, back to Cali. Dana and I would stay up for hours, talkin' on the phone. Dana's girls were havin' troubles of their own. Men, drugs, the same cycle. They had been raised that way. And no matter how much Dana went to church, kept her nose clean, she could not warn them enough of the dangers. They had to come to realize on their own.
One frightful night Dana called me in a panic. She said that Kaylee had been left in the bathtub...for a moment...and had breathed in water. She had nearly drowned, and was unconscious for 3 minutes.
Dana was a mess. She was so scared. Beth was so distraught that this had happened. She could not forgive herself. She would move out on her own, struggling with what happened, and leave Kaylee in Dana's care for the next three years.
So, Kaylee lived with Dana. She was on Dana's hip. Even slept with her for the years to follow.
The time came when Dana had to get a job. She had gotten divorced and needed an income. She started working long hours. Sales for a cable company. Speakin' on the phone with customers. Emily was watching over Kaylee.
One night, while Dana was at work, there was a knock on the door. It was the police. It had been reported that there was drug activity on the premises. They took Kaylee into custody and raided the property. They found a meth lab in the back of the house. On the property. They tested Kaylee and found chemicals in her hair and in her clothes. The welfare came and took her away. My sister was devastated. She had entrusted Emily with Kaylee's life. She had to have known about the drugs. How could she have not known?
All of their lives began to spiral out of control.
When Kaylee had been in foster care for 6 months, they found out she had been abused by her caregivers. When told to go to bed, she would not stay put. She wanted her Nanny. Dana. So they beat her into submission. Leaving bruises all up and down her sides. It was horrible.
The guilt of this tore my sister apart. She called me crying nearly every day.
Kaylee's father Billy, and his mother, gained custody of Kaylee. Billy's mother was terribly older and tired. Billy, a lazy pothead, isn't doing much with her, and Kaylee is left missin' her mama and nanny. Kaylee is still a prayer in my heart. I wish I could jest go adopt her. But, I got no rights.
Dana's depression got worse...and worse.
We found our brother, Jason. Dana was so excited. We flew her up to meet him and his family. Daddy came too. It was the most wonderful time. I will forever remember. Dana, Daddy, Jason and our children. Everyone was here. We went to the beach. We celebrated Tina's *my sister-in-law's* birthday. We went makeup shopping. We went out and sang Karaoke.
We had a big BBQ and Dana met many of my friends. We had THE most fun. She was OK. Dana was OK.
But, when we'd have our times alone when we could talk, just the two of us, she kept tellin' me, "My kids are GROWN," over and over like she didn't understand what she was supposed to do with herself. She got to visit Kaylee when she got a chance. But, she didn't know what to do with herself.
She shared with me one night, while we were standing in my laundry room--the place where I had spent many hours talkin' to her on the phone--she said, "When I had to get a job, fresh out of rehab, it was the most frightening thing I ever had to do. I was used to cooking and cleaning, and takin' care of people. My kids are grown. And now I got no one to take care of. I am scared to death."
I told her that it was time for her to take care of herself. She said, "I don't know how to do that. I want to move out here and stay with you." I said, "OK. You can come stay with me. But, you will have to do two things. First, you will have to get a little job to support your needs. And you will have to take a random drug test to keep yourself honest. I have to ask these things of you, if you are to be with us as a family."
She got angry. She said, "FUCK it then."
Many times I realized my sister had a form of bipolar. I shared that with her sayin', "Dana, it is brain chemistry. Science." She refused to understand the science part. She said that Jesus was all she needed. I told her, "Pray to God, but row for the shore." She laughed and said, "You always been GOOFY."
She could be so sweet. Then flip a switch. She calmed down. She hugged me. Told me she loved me. We watched a movie and turned in for the night. The next day, we drove her to the airport.
For three months afterward, she wrote me on Facebook. Told me about her new boyfriend, Mitch.
We exchanged so many messages and comments. "I miss you. I love you. I enjoyed being with you."
She saw pictures on Facebook from my birthday party a few days before my birthday. She said I was beautiful. Looked jest like Mama. I missed her terribly. She told Daddy that she felt closer to me than she ever had.
Her ex-husband had asked her to watch his place, where their girls were staying, while he did some time for failing his drug test. OMG. She would do anything for anybody. Even if it was not healthy for her. That house was full of her past demons.
Then the worst day of my life came. Dana's boyfriend Mitch called me. He said, "She is gone."
What? What did you say?
"She is gone Darlin'. She had a terrible day."
He went on to tell me that she started drinkin' a 24 pack of beer. She went out with the girls. Partying. Was textin' him back and forth. He did not want her to go out, drinkin' like that. He had gone to see his kids in Shreveport. She felt lonely. So lonely. He said that at the end of the night she was riding home with Emily, fussing. Arguing. She stopped her truck on the side of the road to go pee. She must have dropped her phone there. Went home. Couldn't find her phone. She snapped. Started raging. At Emily. For all the things that had happened with Kaylee. She wanted the girls to go help her look for her phone. But it was dark. They offered to go in the morning day light. Dana was angry. Furious. Drunk. Wired. Relapsed. OUT of her mind.
She locked herself in her room. Started throwing her shoes at her door. Screaming. Angry at her life. She came out of her room. Grabbed a plate of chicken, and potato salad. Muttering obscenities. She put down her plate. Hugged Beth's neck. Looked at Emily. Made an ugly face at her.
"Go to Hell, Mama," Emily said.
"I know you hate me, Emily." This was to be her last goodbye to her children.
"I know you hate me, Emily." This was to be her last goodbye to her children.
She walked into her room, locked the door. Ate her whole plate of food. Not a single morsel left. Beth said, "Aunt Tracey, she hugged my neck so tight, I thought she would choke me."
They found her the next morning. After calling to her and no answer. They had to pry the door off the hinges. She was found in her underwear and T-shirt. With her britches *jeans* wrapped around her neck, tied to the pole in her closet. She had her fingers on the noose on her neck. Indentations in her neck and fingers. Blue. She was gone.
I got the call on my birthday. October 3, 2011. I turned 37. She was 42.
My beautiful sister is gone.
TRACEY'S STORY HONORING DANA'S MEMORY CONCLUDES NEXT MONDAY
TRACEY'S STORY HONORING DANA'S MEMORY CONCLUDES NEXT MONDAY
No comments:
Post a Comment