A Simple Memory Happens, and the Floodgates Open

It bothers me how sometimes I'll be having a great day, with my mind on happy positive thoughts, and then out of nowhere a thought or memory from the past will come up, and I'll be in tears just like that.

This morning started out great.  Well, as great as having to wake up like it's a weekday could possibly be. I was going to attend a PTA Bootcamp training with 3 other PTA ladies from Lee's school, and registration started at 8:15.  Gross.  Still, there's just something special about being miserable in the early morning hours with girlfriends.  We had a great time at the event.  I came home refreshed, and happy to be home, ready to join Hugo in yard work.

A dear friend had given me a beautiful plant as a gesture of love, and it was time to transplant the poor overgrown darling into the ground.  Before digging the hole, I set the hose nozzle in the soil and let it soak while I finished trimming my rose bushes.

When I went back to my transplanting project, the water had pooled in the spot just like I had wanted it to, but then it made a little waterfall in the soil, and the water drained into another spot creating a second pool.

Now, doesn't that just make you want to cry?!  No, I didn't think so.  But, it sure made me cry.

Our last summer in the Nebraska countryside was the best summer of our in tact family.  My dream of having horses was being realized, as Tessa had her mare, and Abi had her pony.  Adam was looking for a horse, and I would be getting one for myself the following spring.  Yes, my husband was distant, but it was a time of happiness for the children and me.  A rich time of growth and togetherness.

Tessa and I planted a garden.  I had gardened every summer before that, but this one was special.  Tessa really took an interest.  We developed an irrigation system where we could trickle a hose, and using gravity from the terraced garden we planted, water the entire garden from just a couple of entry spots.  We enjoyed going out daily, making sure that everything was getting proper water.  Lee was a baby, and he would sit by the plants while the water would flow past him.  He'd laugh when the water hit his feet.

Little did I know of the betrayal my husband was enjoying.  Little did I know just how precious those moments were, because in just a few short months, everything we knew would wash away like the soil under misdirected waters.

I didn't stand there and bawl my eyes out as I had my little flashback, or even do much more than have my eyes fill up with tears.  But, the fact that I can be flooded with pain like that after all these years is a strong indication that I still have a ways to go on this journey toward recovery.

The thing that brought me out of my instant funk, keeping me from going to that dark place I have been so many times before, was looking up from the water, and seeing Hugo working alongside me.  Alongside me.  With me.  Never against me.  I was instantly brought to a better place.  A happier place.  A place of reality, and hope.  It beat letting myself get stuck in the muddy waters of regret and sorrow.

Sadness over the things of my past is just as normal as developing hopefulness over the things of my future.  As long as I allow myself to own it, acknowledging that I still do struggle, ironically makes me stronger.  Sharing it with you makes me stronger yet.

Thank you for letting me.