Bad Situations Arise With Their Dad

We are taught, as young children, what is right and wrong by the models we have in our families.  I tell my kids all the time how important it is for them to be able to get along with each other.  If they can't resolve sibling conflict as children, chances are they will have a harder go of it when they are adults, and they are trying to deal with conflict within the work place or their own marriages.

If I teach my kids that it is normal for us to speak disrespectfully to each other by allowing them to speak disrespectfully to each other, then when they establish their closest relationships as adults--like, with their spouses or their own kids, it will be natural for them to speak disrespectfully to them as well.  It would be what they know.

I cringe when I hear a parent tell their child that they are stupid, or slow, or are a disappointment to them.  The damage this does to their little hearts can sometimes be irreparable, or at best take years of counseling to correct.  But yet, even with all of the years of the message getting out to all of us that this behavior is unacceptable, and destructive, and taboo, we still hear it.  It breaks my heart.

When I made the decision to divorce my ex-husband, it was largely due to my need to protect my children from being raised in a system that is chronically dysfunctional.  Our kids are taught what is right, and normal, and acceptable by how we raise them, and they gauge what a "normal" lifestyle is by what they live in--if it's a home that is happy, and positive, and healthy, then this will naturally be normal to them, and this is the standard by which they will undoubtedly measure their own conduct.  If it is a home that is angry, and negative, and sick, then this will naturally be normal to them, and well, we see the results of lives lived like this in modern society more and more frequently.

So, as a divorced mom who has gone through hell and back to make a better life for my kids, what on earth do I do when my kids suffer the very negativity I've brought them out of, when they visit their dad?

It has been a difficult summer in that regard.  Stresses have been high.  Their dad has a mother who is sick, and who has been in and out of the hospital for nearly two months now.  He hasn't worked in three years, other than a week or two here and there as contract work for his former employer, so there are stresses there as well.  He doesn't like living in California and is unhappy that I brought us all back.  Add these recent stresses to a man who already had anger issues and conflict resolution challenges, and you end up with a stressed-out, impatient man with a harsh word on his tongue.

It's been particularly difficult for one of my children.  They call me from their dad's house after the big arguments happen.  When he finds this child on the phone with me, he is angry and threatened.  He will mock them and show his displeasure with them.  He behaves childishly and he berates this child and then goes to the other children and tells them about it, and how angry it makes him that this child doesn't call him every time a conflict arises with me.  And yes, conflicts do arise with me.  This child is a teenager.  But when they arise with me, they are driven by the fact that this child has done something wrong that needs correction.  When conflicts arise with their dad, they are 95% of the time due to the fact that he has misbehaved, and this child has called him on it.

These are my kids.  Not "kids," out there.  My kids. 

So, I have taken my kids out of a daily living environment with a man who is ultimately abusive, due to his inability to be the adult when it comes to conflict resolution.  He reverts back to his childhood, and the way he felt small when his older brother or his dad belittled him, and when the chips are down, he dishes it right back.  But not at his dad or brother.  At his kids.  It used to be to me.

The abuse is subtle most of the time, and the kids are divided on how bad it is.  Unfortunately, it isn't against the law to be a jerk.  Some believe that if they just ignore the bad behavior, it will subside and a good moment will be right around the corner.  Others believe that the issues have to be confronted now, and that they are a problem.

It takes Hugo and me a day or two to debrief them when they get home.  First, the child who has the most conflict with their dad, and secondly, the children who are left confused by all of the spins their dad puts on situations to validate his own behavior.  Even if his behavior includes a mocking laugh at the child, or a lot of yelling for the sake of venting anger, rather than trying to resolve the situation, and even worse, the coldness he gives to that child by even refusing to pray with them at bedtime.

I'm so thankful that my kids don't learn the model of unconditional love from their dad.  If they did, they'd never "get" God.

Just because we as survivors take drastic steps to get out of Dodge, it doesn't men that our kids won't ever have to go back for visits.  This is the hardest part of it all--to get out, only to have them have to be exposed to it regularly.  But as survivors, by getting out, we gain a strength to keep up the good fight, and keep our eyes fixed on the prize.  Leaving troubled and toxic family environments don't keep us from having to experience them still, from time to time.  I can't protect them from everything.  At least they have a home to come home to that is healthy and positive, and it's a home that leads them toward excellence.  All levels of excellence.  Academic.  Spiritual.  Emotional.  Relational.

Like it or not, our kids' home will be the model they use later in life, and I'm so thankful that they have been given a second chance.  And as hard as it has been, you can darn well know that I'd do it all over for them, if I had it to do over again.  For all of us.  This way, we're growing healthy kids.  After all, as parents, it's our job.