Mike Runner brings a perspective to Wings Like Eagles that is unique and challenging.
I normally cover topics relating to the horror of having someone else bring darkness into the home. Mike covers the same topics, but from a completely different angle. He was the one who brought darkness to his family. Mike is an alcoholic.
It is my hope that the perception of what we think we know about Family Crisis is shaken up a bit. Because there is far more involved than we think. Much can be understood by examining the other side, and I deeply appreciate Mike's willingness to help us gain understanding as he shares with us the mind as it is affected by alcoholism.
He isn't just an alcoholic. He is an intelligent mind, has a bright, hopeful future, and he is my friend. And this is his story.
For most of us, the Holidays mean family, friends, food, faith and many other wonderful feelings, experiences and memories. Christmas trees are put up, stockings are hung by the chimney with care, Chanukah candles are put out, and even for the non-religious, Holiday events and get-togethers are planned. I personally have my office Christmas party coming up, have to do Christmas shopping for my kids, and finish decorating the house and help put lights up.
Most likely this will be the last year my eight year-old daughter believes in Santa Claus so it will probably be my last year putting out milk and cookies until I am a grandpa. My kids and I will be together and I will put on A Charlie Brown Christmas and the cartoon version of How the Grinch Stole Christmas. We will get the fireplace burning on cold nights. As the song says, for many of us, it is indeed the most wonderful time of the year.
Unlike some other holidays, I have no crazy Christmas
stories to tell about my drinking. Just
a couple of Christmas Eves where my eldest daughter in particular was sad
because she could tell I had been drinking.
Three years ago was the last time that happened.
For many alcoholics, addicts and their families, it is the
worst time of the year. The same can be
said for those who have lost, for some in rest homes, for people with mental
illness, and many others. For them the Holidays
represent the time of year with the highest suicide rate for people with our
affliction. I sit next to some of these
people in AA meetings around the Holidays and thank goodness they are there as,
for some, it is the closest thing that they have to family. They have no blood families anymore. Their children won’t speak to them if they even
know where they are. They may or may not
have jobs or homes. Some just come for a
warm place to sit, and free coffee, which is perfectly fine. Wonderful actually, that they know somewhere
where they can get out of the rain. Their
memories are of what “might have been” before the disease destroyed their lives
and everyone left them.
As I have said, I hurt deeply for the homeless and for the
down and out both physically and emotionally.
I make no mistake that the person sitting next to me at a business
meeting who looks like they have it all together (as I often did) might be
falling apart inside as much as the unshaven homeless man. On the homeless, yes, I know that there are homeless
scam artists out there who could work, but I don’t become jaded as there are
plenty who have become homeless due to mental illness, addiction, alcoholism,
or a combination of the three.
Two weeks ago I discussed the song Iris that has had a
profound effect on me. I’m including
another one this week that I would like my readers to listen to. I would listen to this song over and over
both when drinking and when sober.
As I
let the song dig deeply into me it changed my perspective. I listen to it now to soften my heart around
the Holidays. It is an obscure song called
Christmas at Denny’s written by Randy Stonehill probably 20 years ago.
This song embodies the message I'm wanting to convey. I really hope you take a moment and listen to it.
I still get the chills when I listen to that song, at both
the word “Lisa,” and the phrase “little red wagon.”
What if I didn’t have
family who didn’t give up on me? What if
I had killed someone? What if I didn’t
have the resources to do things like to rehab and outpatient programs? What if I had decided to give into alcoholism
on that last fateful day because I didn’t think I had the strength to beat
it? If any of my “what ifs” had been
different I would be homeless or dead. I
would not be spending Christmas with my family this year because I would have
disappeared on purpose because I would not have wanted them to see me that
way. I would have thought it better for
my kids to have no father than what I could have become. I certainly wouldn’t be sitting here typing
this on a computer in a warm office in early December.
If you are an
alcoholic at this time of year, you can still have a good life ahead of you no
matter how much you have lost.
Around the Holidays, many AA clubs run “alcothons”. Around Christmas and through New Years, they
run meetings 24 hours a day. If you have
no other family or need to be around good folks, please join us and we will be
your family if you don’t have one. We
understand. I understand. Please don’t give up.
I know so many who have lost everything but have gained new
and wonderful things in their recovery. Now,
in the Season of Lights, it is time for you and your family to step out into
the light and ask for help. There are
many people who want to help you, want to include you. It is time to stop fighting all alone. Be part of my family.
For the rest of us, those who are in recovery or are simply normal people, this is purposely my
shortest column. Hug your family more this
year. Be thankful if it is the most
wonderful time for you. Even if things
are not perfect, think of what you have.
We need to give at this time of year. This is so
important. There are people who need our
help, and we heal ourselves in the process of giving back. There
are those out there who cannot bear the pain of the Holidays. Please find it in your heart to pray, think,
befriend, and give to those who are barely holding on.
Remember, one of the people you help out
there on the street, in a soup kitchen, at the Salvation Army, could have been
me.
Lyrics to Christmas at Denny’s:
They got Christmas music piped in through the ceiling and
the refills of coffee are always for free
And the waitress on graveyard and the surly night manager,
are wishing that all of us losers would leave.
There’s a star on the sign at the Texaco Station, like the
star long ago on that midnight clear
As I look all around at these cold empty faces, I doubt that
you’d find many wise men here
And I’m dreaming about a silent night, holy night, when
things were alright
And I’m dreaming about how my life could have been if only,
if only if only…
But somewhere down the road I gave up that fight. Merry Christmas, it’s Christmas at Denny’s
tonight.
Once I had a home and a wife and a daughter, had a company
job making middle class pay
The Lisa got killed by a car near the schoolyard and my wife
started drinking just to get through each day
I will never forget that little red wagon, turning to rust
all alone in the rain
One morning I flagged down a truck on the highway, I just
couldn’t bear to go back there again
And I’m dreaming about a silent night, holy night, when
things were alright
And I’m dreaming about how my life could have been if only,
if only, if only…
Well it’s not just the blind man who loses his sight. Merry Christmas, it’s Christmas at Denny’s
tonight
They say, life’s made of cruel circumstance. Fate plays the tune and we dance, dance till
we drop in the dust and we’re gone and the world just goes on…
The cop at the counter, he’s the guardian angel. He watches these orphans through dark
mirrored shades.
And the register rings like a bell sadly tolling, for the
fools we’ve become and the price that we paid
Oh when I was a boy I believed in Christmas. Miracle season to make a new start.
I don’t need no miracle, sweet baby Jesus, just help me find
some kind of hope in my heart
And I’m dreaming about a silent night, holy night, when
things were all right
And I’m dreaming about how my life could have been if only,
if only, in only…
But I’ll still be her at the morning’s first light. Merry Christmas, it’s Christmas at Denny’s
tonight.
Merry Christmas, It’s Christmas at Denny’s tonight.
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