Mike Runner brings a perspective to Wings Like Eagles that is unique and challenging.
I normally cover topics relating to the horror of having someone else bring darkness into the home. Mike covers the same topics, but from a completely different angle. He was the one who brought darkness to his family. Mike is an alcoholic.
It is my hope that the perception of what we think we know about Family Crisis is shaken up a bit. Because there is far more involved than we think. Much can be understood by examining the other side, and I deeply appreciate Mike's willingness to help us gain understanding as he shares with us the mind as it is affected by alcoholism.
He isn't just an alcoholic. He is an intelligent mind, has a bright, hopeful future, and he is my friend. And this is his story.
Here is the bad news, if you have found yourself wondering
if you are an alcoholic, you probably are.
Most people who don’t have an issue either mentally or physically with
alcohol don’t ask themselves that question.
The good news is there are a lot of us out there who finally came to
terms with it and live joyful and productive lives in sobriety.
A friend and someone who reads Never Anonymous emailed me a
few days ago asking me about my business license with the state. I had mentioned a few months ago that I had
to let the State of California know about my DUI that happened on April 16,
2011. The license renews every two years
and of course I have had discussions with them before about a drunk in public that I forgot to mention
on my application two years ago. I
honestly did forget it as compared to other things that have happened to me, a drunk in public and spending the night
in jail was not that big of a deal. Not
putting that on my application when they run a background check already put me
on thin ice and I was fearful that this might put me over the edge.
I have gone through a lot of unpleasant situations in the
last 22 months as finding physical, emotional and spiritual sobriety does not
take away the ramifications of previous actions. Personal issues, house arrest, jail time,
family relationships, painfully letting go of relationships, thousands of
dollars spent, and no drivers license have just been a few of the interesting
situations that I have gone through and in some cases continue to go
through. The license thing would have
been a little different as I have been in one line of work since I graduated
from college. During that time I have
built up a client base. If the State
said that I could no longer do what I am doing, I am not quite sure what would
happen. Though I believe that God has a
plan for me, I was honestly very fearful that being forced out of my business
might be in that plan.
The actual renewal of my license was September 30,
2012. I have almost been superstitious
in not mentioning it or thinking about it a great deal. I bombarded them with paperwork on my story
with alcoholism, letters from my psychiatrist, from the clinical director from
the outpatient program I attended, and many others. The license renewed and I have not heard a
thing via letter or phone call. When I
go on the State web-site, it shows my status as active. Of course I could still get a letter
tomorrow, but it appears that everything is fine. I very much appreciate all of the thoughts
and prayers that I have received.
I have mentioned that for a six week period of my state
mandated 1 ½ year DUI program I have to go to six “education” classes on
Saturdays. I have enjoyed these classes
as I am primarily in a room with first offenders and I can help them to see
where alcohol might take them. About
half the class time is discussion and the other half is watching a video. One of the videos we watched was an episode
of Intervention called “Lawrence’s Story.”
Lawrence was from Las Vegas and was 33 or 34 at the time
they were filming him. He was a self
made man and had taken care of his younger siblings when his mother was no
longer able to do so. His father was out of the picture and his step father had
been physically abusive. At 20 years of
age, he opened his first tanning salon which he turned into a successful chain
with 8 locations. The pictures of him in
his early 20s showed a good-looking guy in great physical shape, who according
to one of his employees was the man “all the girls wanted to marry.” At 26, Lawrence began to drink. By the time of the filming, he had no
resemblance to the person in the pictures 8 years prior. He was pale, skinny, and shaky. He had done the worst thing he could have
done for his alcoholism and set up a home office so he didn’t have to go to the
locations. He had a couple of shops left
that he let a couple of employees run and did a little business from home in
telling them what to do now and again.
Lawrence always had a glass of clear liquid next to
him. He would tell people it was water
but everyone who knew him knew it was straight vodka. He told friends and family that he had “a
couple of drinks” every day as he chugged vodka down in front of them all day
long. He had a couple of employees who
enabled him completely. They brought him
lunch, helped him change clothes, cleaned up messes, bandaged his wounds, and anything
else that was needed.
Finally, his employees, friends and family decided to do an
intervention with an outside professional.
They were afraid that he was going to die. The intervention did not go well as they
sometimes do not with self made people who have always been the strong one for
everyone else. Finally, begrudgingly, he
agreed to go to rehab. Thirty days
later, he was kicked out of rehab for not taking his program seriously and was
sent home. Three weeks after that he
began to drink again, and three months later he died. He was only 34. Just 8 years before, he had been someone everyone
looked up to or wanted to be like. It
took 8 years, but the alcohol took control of him and eventually killed
him. There was nothing anyone could do.
And sometimes we die.
That’s not pleasant, but it is reality. I have seen friends die from a slow and ugly
alcoholic death, and friends who have died suddenly from a seizure or heart
attack. In AA rooms we have names on the
walls of people we have lost so we can remember them and as a constant and
sobering reminder to ourselves. I wish I
could say that all of the people on the wall died sober, but many did not. Many were people who had not had a drink for
many years and for whatever reason “went back out” and never made it back to
the rooms. Some of
them were the last people who you ever thought would ever drink again. It is not uncommon to hear of someone who
goes back and drinks after 20 years of sobriety. The disease doesn’t leave us and it is always
in the background. If we don’t do the
things we need to do, it will gladly take us back and eventually take us out.
Seven years ago after doing my second voluntary rehab, I
went to a sober living house for a couple of weeks. I didn’t go because anyone made me, I went
because I didn’t feel that I was ready to go home yet. Sober living houses can be a great idea for
addicts and alcoholics because you are in a controlled environment yet still
have freedom to work and see you family.
There was a wonderful man I knew there who had a beautiful wife and two
beautiful sons. He was great to talk to
and helped me in a lot of ways through his experiences. I sat in classes with him and listened to him
read letters about alcoholism and about how much he loved his family. I had met them and they were very hopeful
even through all of the failures. This
man had been badly damaged from the physical effects of drinking and his liver
almost didn’t function at all and was hoping for a liver transplant. Yet, one day I came back to the house and he
was being kicked out because he was drunk.
His poor wife and children were there to pick him up. I later heard that he died a few months
later.
And sometimes we die.
Another one of my friends from the sober living house was a
young man who could not have been older than 25. He seemed to have a great attitude and had
been sober for six months or so. One
day, he had a single beer, decided he was ok and checked out of sober
living. Three weeks later we got the
report that he had hanged himself while drinking and had left no note.
And sometimes we die.
I am telling you this because it is a reality for me. If I ever go “back out.” The odds are not
very good that I would come back.
Possibly, but not likely as eventually luck runs out. Even a cat only has nine lives.
I am telling alcoholics out there this because I would like
them to be ready to go. Have your things
in order. The reality is, it will get
you eventually if you don’t stop. I am
writing this to spouses and family members.
As was the case with Laurence, everybody really did everything they
could possibly do right down to the intervention but Lawrence wasn’t
ready. Lawrence never got ready.
In a way Lawrence reminded me of myself as he was beyond the
point of denial. The first step of the
12 steps of AA says, we “admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives
had become unmanageable”. This is the
first step… admitting that there is a problem and that we have become powerless
to stop it on our own. We admit that we
desperately need help. It is tough to
admit you are licked. Yet, although
Lawrence’s family said he was in denial, I don’t believe he was in denial to
himself. Like myself, he knew he was an
alcoholic and denied it to other people, but he knew it. He just couldn’t stop it. I was there.
To families, the fact that sometimes we die is a
reality. I’m so sorry. I am either blessed or lucky to be writing
this as I know others who have suffered from alcoholism that have died from
much less drinking than I did. Be
ready. Go to Al-Anon; seek counseling
both one on one and in support groups with other people who are in your
shoes. Talk to your pastor or someone
else’s pastor who understands alcoholism. The worst thing you can do, as is the
case with the alcoholic, is try to live life on your own with a stiff upper
lip. If you have done everything you can
and someone continues to slowly kill themselves in front of you and or your
children, it may be time to physically leave and love the alcoholic from afar.
At the start of this column I talked of good news and bad
news. I have spent some time talking
about the reality of the bad news. The
good news is that I am sitting her writing this column and didn’t have to join
Lawrence or my other friends. If I was
an odds maker, I would not have picked myself as one who would survive as my
hope and spirit were destroyed completely.
The good news is that the instructor who leads my Saturday education
class has been in rehab 8 times over 20 years, did more damage out there than I
did by a long shot, and teaches us with 4 years of sobriety under his belt and
with a certificate in drug and alcohol counseling. Like
myself, just a few years ago he never believed he would be where he is
now. There are people with incredible
stories who I see all the time who are living miracles. There are lives and families that have been
restored well after that was thought to be impossible. There are those who have gone on and found
wonderful new lives. People, the
absolute worst of us have sometimes made it.
People who we all thought would die are still with us, and are sharing
their stories.
Unless you are your loved one are already in the morgue,
today is a day you can do something.
Somehow, some way, reach out and ask for help. It may start with getting down on your knees,
breaking down, looking up to the sky and yelling out “please help me!” It may
start with a phone call to a friend who you can be honest with. It may start with setting up an appointment
with your pastor or finding an AA or Celebrate Recovery meeting. It isn’t over until it is over and if you can
still read this or share it with someone who can still hear you, any and
everything is still possible.
If you want to try to do this alone, either the alcoholic or
the family of the alcoholic, I will pray for you and I wish you luck. If you want to get better, right now… right
this second… is the time to ask for help.
And sometimes we live.